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Aussie Helpline

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."

"Bummer, mate..!"

"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

^^^^^ hee hee hee ^^^^^

here's an oldie

Dorothy was very upset because her husband Albert had just passed away.

She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her.

Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.

The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but he’d see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day.

When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, “How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?”

“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husband’s size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

He continued: “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around.”

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

My girlfriend said that it's okay to have a small penis.

I just wished she didn't have one at all.

Two women were playing golf. The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands to his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man winced in reply. However, he was obviously in agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She then gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'?

"Feels wonderful", he replied;, "but I still think my thumb's broken!"

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near Boston and there was concern that they died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologists examined and confirmed that the crows did not die from Avian flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

During more detailed analysis, it was noted that from the varying colors of paint on the crows, that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks and only 2% by cars. Several animal behaviorists were hired to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly found the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

The conclusion was that when cars were coming, the lookout crow would say "Cah, Cah". However, none of them could say "Truck.”

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He opens the door and sees a policeman.

He says, "Hello officer, what can I do for you?"

The policeman says, "I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of Wikipedia."

Frantically, the man replies, "Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

Harold is 95 and lives in an old folks' home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" Sex!"

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart! You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold to make sure that he was okay.

She walked around the home. She found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Harold's manhood.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son of a bitch! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Re-morse....

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…

I really need to wash some mugs.

My friend is so obsessed with technology he's had a mobile phone implanted in his throat.

When his wife finds out, she’s going to ring his neck.

what did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

put it on my bill.....

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

ooor

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that's what happens when you don't read you loose your link to higher thinking

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hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....

what did the duck say to the prostitute?

put it on my bill.....

An American man is walking through his local shopping mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the shopkeeper, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

Put him in the microwave until his bill withers.

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New album THE HIPCRIME VOCAB available now!
https://michaelpdawson.bandcamp.com

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"bit of nostalgia for the old folks."