Zappa.com

Many years ago, a wasp expert entered a record store and asked the clerk, "Do you have the new recording, "Wasp Sounds of the World?" "Of course," said the clerk. "Would you like to hear some of it?" He played the record but the expert was perplexed. "Stop," he cried. "I'm a wasp expert and there's no way those are wasps!" The clerk checked the record, "My mistake. I played you the bee side!"

_________________

Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!

What do you call a Kiwi with a hundred lovers? A shepherd.

What time was it when the monster ate the New Zealand prime minister? Eight P.M.

A tour bus full of tourists stops by a farmer holding a sheep. One of them calls out "are you shearing?".
The farmer yells back, in an unhappy tone 'NO, Fuck off and get your own!'

two old guys were talking.
one of them says: "my joints are so stiff."
the other guy says: "well, you're rolling them too tight".

_________________
"bit of nostalgia for the old folks."

_________________
Hey Punk, where you goin' with all those pads of pardons?

I keep getting a cold call telling me in an Indian accent that my windows has a virus, to which I reply that ain't half of it you should see what my computer gets up to - its a very naughty machine​​​​​​​

An Armenian, a Bulgarian, a Canadian, a Dane, an Ethiopian, a Frenchman, a Greek, a Haitian, an Irishman, a Jordanian, a Kuwaiti, a Lithuanian, a Mongolian, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Peruvian, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Slovak, a Uruguayan, a Venezuelan, a Western Saharan, a xenophobe, a Yemeni and a Zimbabwean walk into a bar.


The bartender says "I'm sorry, but you can't come in here without a Thai"

_________________
Hey Punk, where you goin' with all those pads of pardons?

A Man Is Lying In Bed In The Hospital Wearing An Oxygen Mask Over His Mouth And Nose

A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."

This joke is from the WigWam hi fi site and Eddie accepts no responsibility for it ;D

Subject: Teaching Maths in Britain

1. Teaching Maths In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habit of animals or the preservation of our woodlands.
Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the application for the felling licence. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something.. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target.
When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail again the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a departure BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and leave behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting.
The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution, breach of the peace and invoiced
£12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub-prime *SPAM* in Alabama and lost the lot, with only some government money left to pay a few million-pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry.
However, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives.
If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonuses are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

8. Teaching Maths 2019

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاح تكلفة

الانتاج 80 من

الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟= 20

My girlfriend accused me of ”cheating on her!”

I thought to myself;

”She's beginning to sound just like my Wife!”

I hope Death is a woman!

Because she won't come for me...

Argon walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, “Sorry sir, we don’t serve noble gasses.”

There was no reaction.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A man dies wearing a stylish black suit, and his body is taken to an undertakers. The undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed for burial, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the undertaker a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the undertaker, "Whatever this cost was, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. Just so that I know, how much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the undertaker presents her with the blank cheque. "There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, madam," the undertaker says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"

God summoned Noah and told him that He wanted him to build another ark. Not just a repeat of the last job but a vessel designed to hold the water in. When complete the ark was to be filled with water and populated with fish. Not just any fish but equal numbers of male and female carp.

“I see”, said Noah, “You want me to build a carp ark”.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

^^^^^ you're f#@kin' killing me! ^^^^^


Donald Trump demands an apology
from the Democratic congresswomen
he attacked in a racist diatribe.....

and Kellyanne spends another night on the sofa.....

_________________
Hey Punk, where you goin' with all those pads of pardons?

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten pounds and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go golfing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time golfing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)