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A man in his 40's bought a new BMW convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back." "Have a nice weekend," said the officer

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

"Certainly," I replied.

"My wife's best friend on Monday and Tuesday, my secretary Wednesdays and Thursdays, the cleaner on Friday night and the babysitter over the weekend."

"Very nice," said the doctor...

"But when I asked if your affairs were in order...."

n the 1980's we were all shitting ourselves at the threat of an imminent Nuclear winter.

Nowadays it's Global warming, for pitty's sake, is there no pleasing some people!

A tourist entered a Welsh village, looking for a place to stay for a night. While checking in at local pub, the innkeeper mentioned:

"And of course the price includes sex with one of our sheep."

The tourist was shocked and offended, stating he would never do such a thing. The innkeeper calmed him down, explaining that it's completely natural and everyone in the village does that. Little by little the tourist started to hesitate, as he didn't want to offend the locals and he always tried new things during his travels.

Finally he went to the barn, chose a sheep and spent a night with it. As he was about to sneak from the barn next morning, he noticed to his horror almost the whole village - nearly 300 people had gathered outside by the door of the barn. They were all pointing at him and roaring with laughter.

Completely embarrassed, humiliated and enraged, he stormed into the office of the innkeeper and shouted:

"You fucking told me everyone here does that!."

"We do," the innkeeper said chuckling...

"But you picked up the ugly one!"

Damn! I've been diagnosed with a disease that keeps transforming me in to Capital cities....

It's really starting to Hanoi me now.

Transgender powerlifter Mary Gregory has vowed to come back after being stripped of 4 titles...

"I just need more work done on my Snatch" - she went on to to say.

"Doc, I can't stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home."'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, 'It's Not Unusual.'"

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

An inspecting Brigadier decides to visit the psychiatric ward of an army hospital. He wants to show an interest in the unit and asks the nurse how they decide if a soldier needs to be admitted as a patient or just seen in out patients.

"Well," says the QA psychiatric nurse, "we fill the bath with water and give the squaddie a mess tin and a spoon. He or she is then asked to empty the bath."

"Ah I see!" exclaims the Brigadier, "A normal person would use the mess tin because it is larger and will take less time to empty the bath."

"No Sir" sighs the psychiatric nurse, "A sane person would pull the bath plug. I'll get your bed ready Sir!"

When the 'C' and the 'S' falls off in the wash!

On the local news today...

Police reported a man was entering local craft stores & dipping his testicles in glitter.

It's pretty nuts!

A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door of a married quarter and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "Im doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you dont mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a childs bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since youve been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I dont mind telling you at all.


My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

SHAME ON YOU FOR THINKING OTHERWISE

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly.
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!“ exclaims Daisy.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Yeah, and now I'm coming home to your nagging ass!

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Lesser-evilism is war.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week.

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"Why do people say "Grow some balls"? Balls are weak and sensitive! If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina! Those things take a pounding"! -- Sheng Wang

And the Lord said unto John "COME FORTH AND YE SHALL RECEIVE ETERNAL LIFE".

But John came fifth and only won a toaster........

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Vuja Day - The feeling that none of this has happened before.

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Lesser-evilism is war.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted.
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officers funeral a voice was heard yelling - "I'm not dead! I'm not dead yet, let me out!"

It was at that moment that the Priest leant forward, sucking air through his teeth and muttered...

"Too fudging late pal, I've already done the paperwork!"

What's the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a scruffily dressed man on a unicycle?

Attire!

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)