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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 9:19 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 12, 2019 12:20 am 
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 11:58 am 
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I hate those Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 1:48 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 13, 2019 11:05 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Hahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahaaahhahahahahahhahahhahahahhaahhahhahaaaaaaahahahhahahahhaha!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2019 1:07 pm 
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^yeah Lamb goes down well in NZ :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2019 1:08 pm 
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1) I woke up
2) I went to school
3) I saw her
4) I ran to her, and I hugged her
5) I kissed her
Actually, the right order is 3, 4, 5, 1, 2


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2019 1:08 pm 
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An old man is walking in Amsterdam and passes a hooker standing at her door.


She asks him: "Granddad, why don't we give it a try?”

He says: "No girl, that is no longer possible for me.”

Says the hooker: "Come on, what have we got to lose, we can give it a try!?”

They both go inside. They undress and then he acts like a young man and gives it to her 5 times in a row.

“Oh my goodness”, says the hooker, breathless, "and you said that it was no longer possible for you?!”

Says the old man: “Oh, screwing is still going well, it's the paying for it that is no longer possible.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 14, 2019 2:46 pm 
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Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 12:56 pm 
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The barman in the pub looked over at me & said,

"Your glass is empty, fancy another one?"

"Why the fuck would I want two empty glasses?" was my reply...


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 1:16 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 1:51 pm 
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A blonde meets a musclebound hunk in a bar and agrees after a few drinks to go back to his place.

A few more drinks and he starts to undress...

Taking of his shirt he exposes a massive ripped chest and says to the blonde, "here's 100 pounds of pure dynamite."

A few seconds later, off comes his trousers and pants, standing there starkers with huge calves and big tree trunk legs, he states, "and here's another 100 pounds of pure dynamite."

At this point the blonde screams hysterically and runs from his house! Quickly pulling on his clothes the hunk runs after her & eventually catches up.

"What's up?"

I got scared was her reply, seeing all that dynamite with such a short fuse, I thought I'd better get out of here!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 3:59 pm 
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Introducing the self-driving bicycle in the Netherlands :mrgreen:

https://youtu.be/LSZPNwZex9s


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 6:07 pm 
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A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned,
I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the
priest," especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 15, 2019 9:12 pm 
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My girlfriend’s birthday is in two days.
And she told me “Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring”.
So I bought her nothing!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 12:20 am 
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My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she
screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I
replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 1:31 pm 
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In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.......

It also explains why he never found out that his student, Plato, was having an affair with his wife.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 2:02 pm 
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Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
Melania Trump wrote:
In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth.
Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not.
Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ...".
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?".
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued." You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness.
Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.......

It also explains why he never found out that his student, Plato, was having an affair with his wife.

Not true, not good, useless ???
Before I hit the bottom of the joke I thought it was Trump !
:P
Really !

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 16, 2019 9:36 pm 
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is this any better or worse?

I used to search for shellfish on the beach until one day when I pulled a mussel.


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 Post subject: Re: the bad joke thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:39 pm 
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this guy david lost his id.

so, now he goes by dave.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 1:50 pm 
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I went to the opticians the other day. My god the optician was fit. She urged me to "look into this light" while she peered closely into my eyes with one of those opthalmoscope things, but all I could concentrate on was her ample perky breasts six inches from my face and the arousing smell of her perfume. After a minute or so of looking alternately into my left eye, then my right eye, and going 'Hmmm" a lot inbetween, she finally said "Mr Vincent, I'm afraid you're going to have to quit masturbating". I said "why, is it worsening my eyesight?" She said, "no, it's making the chair bounce up and down".


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:50 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 18, 2019 1:21 pm 
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After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job.

The bishop was incredulous. “You have no arms!”

“No matter, “said the man. “Observe!” And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

Unfortunately, while rushing forward to strike the last bell of the song, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,... “but his face rings a bell”

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, “Your Excellency, I am the brother of the armless man who fell to his death yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to try to replace him.”

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and armless man’s brother stooped, picked up a mallet and struck the bells as beautifully as had his brother. But as he finished, he groaned, clutched at his chest, fell to the floor and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

“What has happened? Who is this man?” the first monk asked breathlessly.

“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, but “only that he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 1:40 pm 
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On reaching his seat on the plane a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered; brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee for the man.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot also drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess comes back shaking somewhat; with another whisky for the parrot but still forgetting the mans coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up out of their seats together and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to the man and says,

"For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 6:34 am 
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