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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 31, 2019 1:24 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
On her first day at the senior complex, the new manager addressed all the seniors pointing out some of her rules:

"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
She continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older lady named Alice stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 11:47 am 
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body"s systems, so without me nothing would happen." "I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you"d all waste away.""I should be in charge," said the stomach,"Because I process food and give all of you energy." "I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go." "I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes." "I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I"m responsible for waste removal." All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.The Moral of the story?The asshole is usually in charge!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 11:50 am 
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If my Nan knew how little I spent on her funeral, she'd be spinning in her ditch!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 01, 2019 11:51 am 
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Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
Melania Trump wrote:
The asshole is usually in charge!!

That explains Trump !
:P

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2019 12:37 am 
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 02, 2019 10:03 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 03, 2019 9:23 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
My girlfriend broke up with me because I hid her wheelchair again. But it's okay; she always comes crawling back.

"Wait a minute, Father; are you saying that God was unaware of priests abusing children but He knows when I masturbate?!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 1:31 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip
for the very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna put me
on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first
replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some
floeresant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.'
'Wot? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties, cos honey, da fust thing they always looks
for is da Black Box.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 4:02 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
Three large black ladies were getting ready to take a plane trip
for the very first time.
The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gonna put me
on sum hot pink panties beefo' I gets on dat plane.'
'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked. The first
replied, 'Cuz, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying
butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.'
The second lady said, 'Well, then I'm a-gonna wear me some
floeresant orange panties.'
'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.
The second lady answered, 'Cuz if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be
floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first.'
The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties.'
'Wot? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.
The third lady says, 'Dat's right girls, you hears me right. I ain't
wearing no panties, cos honey, da fust thing they always looks
for is da Black Box.'


I'll have to tell Donald that one :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:51 pm 
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What do you call a cow with one leg? answer: Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with a twitch? answer: beef jerky
What do you call a cow stuck in a barbed wire fence? answer: utter destruction


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:53 pm 
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Why did Captain Kirk's wife have a turd on her head?
Because William Shatner!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 7:58 pm 
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My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers.
To be honest, I should have seen the signs.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 04, 2019 8:04 pm 
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What is the first letter of the word Yellow?
What is the first letter of the word Yellow?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 2:17 am 
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After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it
home safely.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 05, 2019 8:15 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find
himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it
home safely.


:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

I get the same but its Donald :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 09, 2019 12:48 pm 
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A policeman goes home, finds his wife in bed with three of his colleagues, and says: 'ello, 'ello, 'ello, what's all this then?

'See,' his wife says, 'he never talks to me'.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:04 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 12:27 pm 
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Mercedes AA Class Car :mrgreen:
https://youtu.be/iEjTwsfqHOY?list=PLHFVgzu89MYc7BPypMB1-Kxn9SRK8Wv5o


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 2:48 pm 
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Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
Melania Trump wrote:

I like the conclusion !!!
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 10, 2019 7:13 pm 
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I was chatting with my kids and said " I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on a machine and a bottle of fluids, just pull the plug"
They got up, unplugged me computer and threw out me wine, the barstewards


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 12:15 am 
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 1:37 pm 
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A after Guy years of being under the thumb decides to take a stand.

Returning from work he announces to his wife , "From now on you need to know I am the man of the house and my word is law . You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight and when I have eaten serve me a scrumptious desert . After dinner we will go upstairs and have the kind of sex I want . Then you will run me a bath so I can relax , towel me dry and bring me my robe , followed by a hand and foot massage. Then tomorrow guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair ?

Wife , " The Funeral Director would be my first guess ."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 2:16 pm 
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A bike keeps trying to run me down every day.

It's a vicious cycle.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 11, 2019 6:32 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!"

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