Zappa.com

Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Cashier: Have a great day.

(goes to cashier's home several hours later)

Me: I have some bad news.

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2,500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece.
This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics."

So now you know.... Don't bother to thank me, I enjoy discussing history.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A tale of a lost senior citizen

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong.

He told me, "I have a 22 year old wife at home. She rubs my back every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."

I continued, "Well, then why are you crying?"

He added, "She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite biscuits, cleans the house and then watches sports tv with me for the rest of the afternoon."

I said, "Well why are you crying?"
He said, "For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then we cuddle until the small hours."

I inquired, "Well then, why in the world would you be crying?"
He replied, "I can't remember where I live."

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I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

^^^^^ I hope you were engaged ^^^^^

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ‘I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.’


You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he’s a catholic converter.


I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags, he’s bisatchel.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.


‘I said to this train driver “I want to go to Paris”. He said “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin”.

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hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?

Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere!



Why did the cookie cry?
Because his mother was a wafer so long!



What did the midget say to the pint of beer?
I could drink you under the table!



I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me!

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hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?

knock knock

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that's what happens when you don't read you loose your link to higher thinking

(hmmmmm, appears to be hidden) "who's there"

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hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?

(have you checked down in the basement?)



9-11

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that's what happens when you don't read you loose your link to higher thinking

9-11 whooooo?

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hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?

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that's what happens when you don't read you loose your link to higher thinking

What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?
Kara-tea.

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A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000"

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "Why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150?"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

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I too would pay the 5 grand.

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. “I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then, who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers. “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “Then, who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……. ”

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

The Teacher says to the class "Who ever stands up is stupid"

Nobody stands up

The Teacher repeats "Who ever stands up is stupid"

Little Johnny stands up

The Teacher asks Little Johnny "do you really think that you are stupid?"

Little Johnny replied "No Mrs. Bell, I just thought that maybe you were lonely being the only one standing up"

_________________
hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?

Russ Buttacovoli, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Russ, and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?
"Who said he was dead?"
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Russ. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning ,
and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino
and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today .'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married?
Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
'Who said he wanted to?

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Two Priests are walking down the street when a drunk man comes up to them.
He says, to the first Priest,"I'm Jesus Christ." The Priest reply's,"No son, you're not!"
So he says to the second,"I'm Jesus Christ." The second Priest says,"No, son, you're not."
The drunk says," Look I can prove it." He takes the two Preists into the bar.
The bartender takes one look at the drunk and says,"JESUS CHRIST YOU'RE HERE AGAIN!!!"

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hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?

The young lady was obviously displeased with her new lover's performance. "You must be the world's worst lay," she scolded.

"I think not," he replied. "That would be too great of a coincidence ."

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The laws of golf

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.

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hey Punk, where you goin' with that rake in your hand?