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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 2:08 am 
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It seems all my years of phone sex have caught up to me. I now have hearing AIDS.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 3:05 am 
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BBP wrote:
It seems all my years of phone sex have caught up to me. I now have hearing AIDS.



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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 1:57 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Girl: So, how many times a day do you shave?

Man: Well, about 15-20 times every day.

Girl: My god, are you some kind of crazy?

Man: No, I’m a barber.



What’s black, red, black, red, black, red?

A zebra with a sun burn.



Andy has 150 candy bars. He eats 125. What does Andy have now?

Andy has diabetes now.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 17, 2018 6:21 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an
unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a
cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over
there'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his
head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking
at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took
the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need
to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the
bank and 7 inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of
his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the
waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read: “Just to let you know things aren't always
what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8,
Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I
have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami, and a 10,000 acre
ranch in Texas.
There is more than twenty million dollars in my bank account and
portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you,
would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:35 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine....."



Anton, do you think I’m a bad mother?

My name is Paul.....



My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 12:49 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 2:13 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 3:10 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Patient to his doctor: I have forgotten so many things lately, and it’s getting worse. What can I do?
-
Doctor: Yes, this is a known illness, unfortunately it has no cure.
I’d also like to remind you about the eight hundred dollars that you owe me?



Job interviewer: “And where would you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."



Father: “Son, you were adopted.”

Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”

Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 3:15 pm 
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Location: LumberTruckWest
Q: What's the difference between a joke and two dicks?

A: You can't take a joke.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 19, 2018 3:57 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Judge: “Why did you steal the car?”

Man: “I had to get to work.”

Judge: “Why didn’t you take the bus?”

Man: I don’t have a driver’s license for the bus.



I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands.

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack.

Now it's "Donald! Duck!"



Doctor, how can I live longer than 100 years?

Do you smoke?
No.

Do you eat too much?
No.

Do you go to bed late?
No.

Do you have affairs with promiscuous women?
No.

Then why would you want to live more than 100 years?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 12:50 pm 
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Location: Kissimmee, FL
So, I found this in an old file....it's a bit dated because you can now have CyberSex with visuals, but if you take yourself back to the day when it was just a typin chat room....it's still funny as hell to me.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and
perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from
dinner... it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and
night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your
crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing
your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I
breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my
body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you ...
umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a
cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed arching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the
bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the
bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my... you know ... thing... in your... you know ... woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little
trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses
and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my
wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser,
knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain.
The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! oh noooo!

Sweetheart: <logged off

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 1:05 pm 
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^ :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 3:12 pm 
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Location: LumberTruckWest
^^ It's bad because it's looong!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 22, 2018 3:23 pm 
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Was Wellhung long, I missed that episode :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 12:15 am 
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Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 26, 2018 5:53 am 
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Posts: 33638
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
What a morning……

8:00
I made a snowman in the front of my house.

8:10
A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

8:15
So, I made a snow woman.

8:17
The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20
The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25
The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28
I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31
The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

8:40
Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

8:42
I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"

8:52
My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00
I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10
I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29
A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.

Moral:
When it's this cold in Canada... stay inside.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 27, 2018 3:17 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:38 am 
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Posts: 3798
Location: where the dogs roll by
I read that they recently found about 200 dead crows near Halifax, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
In doing the research, they had a Bird Pathologist examine the remains of all the crows, and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, to everyone's relief. However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
The Province then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine the disproportionate percentages for kills. truck versus car
The Ornithological Behaviorist determined the cause, the conclusion in short order was:

When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out Crow in nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say "Cah...Cah"..Cah”, but could not say "Truck...Truck..Truck".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 6:44 am 
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Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls. A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.

Kind of makes you proud. You're like... a hybrid!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 28, 2018 11:43 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jan 29, 2018 12:18 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 12:15 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:04 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 2:04 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs
and asked a blonde flight attendant take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer, and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin:
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks say they are.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 30, 2018 6:55 am 
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^bad joke

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