Zappa.com

Not to worry - due to global warming, in two years your face and head will melt clean off. You won't care anymore!

Here's a channel that might have some expertise in this area - she's certainly full of it:

"Hi Everyone and Hi to the Frank Zappa Family Trust.
I'm Lesley. I've been channeling John Winston Ono Lennon, founder of
The Beatles, for over 20 years; Not writing about that though. Writing
to let you all know, that I just made a record channeling Mr. Frank, and actually Frank helped me
produce the thing. He almost wanted to launch himself as an artist
and call himself Frankenzappa, but decided the family might or might
not appreciate that." (from Oct '06)

Maybe it's trying to tell you that somebody's been flushing tampoons??

Nah, they're just full of shit.

Dear Calvin,

What should I do about a family member who is dating a known career criminal/drug abuser with MULTIPLE felonies on his record? As we speak,they are looking for a place to live together.

-L.B.-

I'm guessing that there's not much you can do. Is it possible said family member will "wise up"?

Dear Calvin, long time listener, 2nd time caller. Big fan of your show.

Regarding your previous caller, might I suggest something to him? If you can make said "bad boy" appear to be boring and ordinary, the spell will be broken. If you can go so far as to make him appear to be a "nice guy" with "feelings," so much the faster. Use your imagination and any means necessary. The whole "bad boy" mystique must be neutralized. Maybe plant a bible and a loaf of white bread in his car, along with a pamphlet for an HO scale electric train convention. Maybe hints of possible gayness that he picked up on in jail that he's still "dabbling with on the side." Again, use your imagination. Whatever you think she will find maximumly repellent, set it up for her to "discover" that about him.

Some further anti-bad-boy tips can be found here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xEzGIuY7kw

Good luck Caller, and God bless you and your charitable work on this program, Calvin.

_________________
“The person who stands up and says, 'This is stupid,' either is asked to behave or, worse, is greeted with a cheerful 'Yes, we know! Isn't it terrific!" -Frank Zappa

Yeah,we're hoping she wises up. She's only known this dude for a month,and he's already beat her ass once. I dropped his name to a cop buddy of mine,and he told me about this guy's record that's a mile long.
Drugs,weapons,assault,rape,etc. A real asshole,but he "swears he's changed."

I told her about his rap sheet,and my cop friend's advice to "stay the hell away from him," but I guess she thinks the cops don't know what they're talking about.

They just rented a house together yesterday.
What a stupid bitch,I'm very pissed off that she's bringing this douche bag around my family.

LMAO......thanks,Swifty!!!!

Dear Calvin,
Britnie Spiers is releasing a new album. Help! Should I:
a: commit suicide
b: pierce my eardrums
c: buy shares in an earplug factory
d: finally make that album I've had on the BB-BrainShelf for years and try to drown it out?
e: other (please elaborate)

_________________

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C, D, and E.

Earplugs for Britney. Make that album, that would be interesting. And, inside each CD of your fabulous recording, you could include a coupon for a model mini-sweater, personally knitted by Bonny herself!

So Bonny, did you take my advice and start on that album?

Oh I've started on it years ago! Kinda like that novel I'm writing. And that Zappa painting.

_________________

Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!

All in due time then, I suppose.

So, I'm baking a cake called RED VELVET by Duncan Hines (not to be confused with Hines Ward of the Steelers fame) and it occurs to me that here in my world red is a color and velvet is a fabric. So, I ask you Cal what flavor does that make the cake I just made?
And just as a side whine (not to be confused with side line of the Steele..never mind) the batter looked like paint.

And while I'm at it, what part of the egg does salmonella hang out in-the white or the yolk?

Bakingly Yours,
CP

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GuacamoleQueenGuacamoleQueenGuacamoleQueen

Dear Calvin-

I was assisting a friend in Making a Duncan Hines cake. She made a joke about a football player. I mentioned that I don't particularly care for football.

Long story short, I now have a slight problem hearing with my right ear.



What should I do?

_________________
I'm petulant, and I'm having a frenzy...

Roethlisberger -is there a cake mix company that has a name like this Steeler?
What flavor would they make, Chartreuse Wool?

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GuacamoleQueenGuacamoleQueenGuacamoleQueen

HAHAHA I love that the cat has the dog by the jowels too. My (female) dog has taken to humping lately. Never saw her do it until she turned 8 or so, now sometimes when we're wrestling around in the living room she'll try to pin my arm down and make sweet love to it.

Did you make this near Heinz Field in Pittsburgh?

I thought I was asking the questions here???
What about the egg question???

No. No I did not make said cake near Heinz Field in Pgh., why?

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GuacamoleQueenGuacamoleQueenGuacamoleQueen

It's more likely to be in the yolk.

As for the velvet question, I would think kinda it would taste like grass and fish clumps.

_________________

Dear Calvin,

I have severe aching of the tooth and gums. Do you know of anything that maight remedy this ailment?

XX

_________________
"Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps."

I'm assuming you have already checked the Sunday ads for valuable coupons. Failing that, go to 1713 16th street, ring the bell that says "Haberdashers". Walk up to the 30th floor. Knock on the left door facing the right interior walkway three times. They might be able to help you.

You have to wish with all your might. Put everything else on hold. Wish 24 hours a day, 7 days a week until it goes away. If it hasn't after a year, I'll instruct you on do-it-yourself rooting and planing.

Clove oil, a drop in the cavity, or even just a bruised clove tucked in your cheek.

Sorry Mr. Calvin, sir, i really tried to resist. The spirit was willing, but oh, the flesh was weak