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Trump, FZ, Disco Boy, Mij, Pedro, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh in the parking lot of a 7-11 near Arlington County, Virginia, USA
-A play in one act-

[Soon to be published by Little Brown in the book "The Internet Wars". Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental]


Trump: American voters are just like laboratory mice.

Pedro: Yes sir. Would you like some more cheese?

Trump: Certainly. I thrive on constipation.

Mij (wringing out his Def Leppard tshirt): You two are stupid! And I know about stupid.

Pedro: You look like you know about stupid.

Mij: I mostly associate with people who I think are stupid. It makes me feel less stupid.

Mr Nice: I have a picture sent to me by Billy Mundi. Does that build my credibility?

Spacebrother: Yes. When we need someone to fetch the mail we'll consider your qualifications.

Mr Nice: Gee, thanks. Look at this political cartoon that I didn't draw.

Caputh: Why didn't you draw it?

Mr Nice: I didn't know how.

FZ ( Glances at the cartoon): Politics is the entertainment branch of industry.

DiscoBoy: Yeah. haha. You tell him, FZ.

FZ (turns to face DiscoBoy): When yuppies go to hell-

Eddie (interrupting): I'm not who I say I am.
(Everyone ignores him)

Pedro: I dumped my broken old refrigerator into Lake Michigan.

Trump: That's nice.

DiscoBoy: Hey Trump, don't you agree that Bryan Ferry is a musical genius?

Spacebrother: He's a misogynistic racist!

Trump (To SB): And you're a liberal red state dweller! (motions to two secret service agents who walk over and stand very close to SB)

Mij (plugging earbuds into his ipod): Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler is better than the entire Bryan Fairy catalog.

DiscoBoy: It's Ferry.

Mr Nice: Hey FZ, look at these doodles.

FZ: Watch the nazi's run your town.

Caputh: Don't ever say the word nazi.

Pedro: Did someone say nazi? Where's my shotgun?

Spacebrother: Are you gonna put the barrel in my mouth like you promised?

Pedro: Nah. You like it too much.

Mr Nice: I will be at home watching Gomer Pyle. Call me when the mail gets here. (Mr Nice exits stage LEFT)

Mij (singing woefully out of tune): nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart!! (draws out the last note far too long with horrible pitch)

FZ: Goodnight boys and girls. (FZ evaporates like mist)

Trump: Good riddance!

DiscoBoy: Yeah. Good riddance!

Trump: Shut up brown nose.

(Everyone laughs)

THE END

Where is the Pigs and Ponies?

COMING SOON !!!

Trump, FZ, Disco Boy, Mij, Pedro, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh order pizza

Sneak preview:

Mr Nice: If we get the veggie on only half the pizza I still wont eat it. I wont eat a slice of veggie from the same pie that has meat on it.
Mij: (rolls his eyes): Pass the arugula, please.
Trump (viciously): You'll eat meat and you'll like it!

1 star out of 4.

At times jejune and slightly churlish. And makes no difference.

^ Ouch.

*
Trump, FZ, DiscoBoy, Mij, Pedro, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh Order Pizza

[setting: back porch of a house in Laurel Canyon, California, USA. A mild, late January evening]

Pedro: I'm hungry. Anyone else hungry? I'm gonna order pizza.

Mij: I'm hungry.

(everyone agrees they could use some food)

Pedro: I'm just gonna order two large Flesh Of Endangered Species pizzas. Any objections?

Mr Nice (rolls his eyes): I'm not eating Flesh Of Endangered Species pizza!

DiscoBoy (rolls his eyes): Here we go.

Pedro: Well, I only want the Flesh Of Endangered Species pizza.

Eddie: We can go half and half. Half Flesh Of Endangered Species and half whatever Mr Nice wants.

Mr Nice: If we get the veggie on only half the pizza I still won't eat it. I won't eat a slice of veggie from the same pie that has meat on it.

Mij: (rolls his eyes): Pass the arugula, please.

Trump (viciously): You'll eat meat and you'll like it!

DiscoBoy: Yeah! You'll eat meat and you'll like it!

Trump: Shut the fuck up.

Spacebrother: I want the Mother Earth. Hold the sun dried tomatoes.

Pedro (rolls his eyes): Okay. One Endangered Species and one Mother Earth.

Caputh: Wait a sec. I want sausage. Not the endangered species kind.

DB (rolls his eyes): I'm fine with whatever Trump wants.

Trump: Let's get two Flesh Of Endangered Species and one Garden Of Eatin' or...uh...whatever you faggots call it.

Spacebrother: Mother Earth. Is a Mother Earth with no sun dried tomatoes okay with you Mr Nice?

Mr Nice: I suppose. Does it come with cartoons?

Mij: It's expensive if you order it with cartoons.

FZ: Cheepnis.

Eddie: Let's get a pepperoni as well.

Pedro (rolls his eyes): Okay. Three large pizzas. One Endangered Species, one Pepperoni, and one Garden Of Artichoke Hearts.

Spacebrother (rolls his eyes): It's Mother Earth not Garden Of Artichoke Hearts.

Trump: Take Out Or Delivery?

Pedro: Delivery.

Trump: Well, I'm not paying for the tip.

FZ: Now that's cheapnis. (FZ disappears like smoke)

Caputh: I guess FZ wasn't hungry.

DiscoBoy: He's such a cynical guy.

Eddie (quoting the Läther liner notes): Perhaps you prefer bent over.

Trump: As a matter of fact he does.
(everyone laughs)

LIGHTS DIM. CURTAINS

------------

!!!coming soon: the gang search for a good auto mechanic!!!

5 guest appearances that i believe to be worthy of this thread (in no specific order):

peter dinklage
george burns
junior samples
dionne warwick
ALF

this is merely a suggestion
and not up for debate.

^ Your suggestions are appreciated and have been considered. Stay tuned!


***


*
Trump, FZ, Pedro, Mij, Disco Boy, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh Search For An Auto Mechanic

[setting: Evening. Side of the road, Laurel Canyon Boulevard, California, USA]

Trump: We should have had the pizza delivered.

Pedro: You didn't want to tip.

Trump: Shut up.

Eddie: Fuckin' hard line broke. All that weight in the car....

Mij: Huh?

Eddie: No brakes!

Caputh: We should call Joe's Garage.

Pedro: On the California coast?

Caputh: Yes.

Pedro: They're a bunch of flakes.

FZ: California's got the most of them.

Eddie: Bob Dylan uses the same mechanic as I do.

Spacebrother: I think you mean Adrian Belew

Eddie: Right.

Mr Nice: My first car was a Studebaker.

Trump: That figures.

Mij (earbuds in, ipod cranked): Their Satanic Majesties Request is the best Rolling Stones album!

Pedro (rolls his eyes): That's ludicrous. (lights a Cohiba Black Churchill Cigar using a 100 dollar bill he has just set ablaze. Takes a puff. Tosses the still burning $100.00 at the homeless man who is sitting near the Chandler Boulevard intersection)

Homeless Man (looking around): Holy shit. I smell burning Connecticut Broadleaf maduro wrapper.

Spacebrother: The Stones are too white.

Eddie: So are you.

SB: Yeah, but I don't want to be.

Mij (croaking): why don't we sing this song all together!

Trump: Fucking degenerate. (grabs earbuds off of Mij's head) Perhaps you could make an effort to be more useful and call Joe's on that damn thing.

Mij (rolls his eyes. pulls his phone out of his pocket): Siri, I need a hose job.

Trump: Gimmie that! (yanks phone from Mij) Siri, Joe's Garage. And hurry it up.

DiscoBoy: I get tired of recycling used motor oil. I just pour it down the drain.

Spacebrother: You should drink it.

FZ: I know someday I will never go out on the road again. (FZ shatters like a mirror into a million invisible pieces which turn into sound waves)

Caputh: Did you hear that?

Trump: No.

Eddie: Far out.

(Siri responds)

Trump: Alright, I got the number to Joe's. Who's gonna call?

Pedro: They can't fix your brakes.

Trump: Why?

Pedro: Because they're flakes.

Trump: Just call 'em before I turn you into flakes!

[Everyone laughs]

LIGHTS DIM

Great idea separate thread, i will be here every day waiting patiently but anxiously to see if the brakes get fixed...

better check if there is any cash under the seat

!!!Coming soon!!!


The exciting Second Act of Trump, FZ, DiscoBoy, Mij, Pedro, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh Search For An Auto Mechanic.

***Sneak Preview***

[unseen by the rest of the gang Eddie has slipped off to an old, now phoneless, phonebooth. He steps into the booth and closes the door]

Moments later:
Trump: Look at that huge, swarming funnel of flies descending on that old phonebooth.

[everyone turns to look. the booth lifts up out of the parking lot and into the sky]

Mij: Merde. Ce n'est pas possible!

Mr Nice: I smell maple syrup.

----

Don't miss it!*



*unless you have more important things to do

Oh dear, it's just not happening is it.

No one laughed.

_________________
Solipsism
Ambidextrous Records
Solipsism Twitter
Solipsism Facebook
Juno Records Vinyl

Ignore the the avant garde butt heads DM, you have fans....

Trump, FZ, DiscoBoy, Mij, Pedro, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh Search For An Auto Mechanic
ACT 2

[same location as act one]

Trump (hanging up his phone): I can't believe this shit.

Pedro: What?

Trump: Joe's tow truck got side swiped by an Orange County Lumber truck.

Pedro: Where?

Trump: On Webb avenue.

Pedro: Why'd he take Webb?

Trump: Ask him! How the fuck should I know?

Mij (rolls eyes): Because you are the all powerful being of time and space.

Trump: That's just a story we tell the public. We need to exert total control over the public or else we will become the public.

DiscoBoy: It's a matter of manipulation and exploitation.

Mr Nice: So that's your goal in life?

Trump: My goal is to turn the world into hamburger.

FZ: He was born next to the beef pies.

Caputh: How long 'til another tow truck arrives?

Trump: Joe's only has one tow truck.

Eddie: Let's just have those pizzas delivered.

Mr Nice: And walk back?

Spacebrother: Uber.

Mr Nice (Rolls eyes): Well, I'm not sitting on your lap again.

Trump: I shouldn't have ditched my secret service guys.

Pedro: But they won't let you eat pizza. You're on a special diet.

Trump: Shut up. I don't have any pizza.

DiscoBoy: Meat of endangered species pizza is not very good cold.

Spacebrother: Mother Earth pizza is delicious cold.

Trump: Shut up! I'll call my secret service guys. Me, Pedro and Discoboy will ride back with them and the rest of you homos can take an Uber.

Mr Nice: As long as I don't have to sit on Spacebrother's lap.

Spacebrother: You love it!

Trump (answers his phone): Yeah? ... Uh huh... Sure. Oh!... Great news!... Yes... Yes...Uh huh....Absolutely....Okay. Thank you so much! (hangs up). Well I'll be damned.

Caputh: There's another tow truck coming?

Trump: No. We got the FZ hologram gig!

[everyone looks at Trunp. Celebrating and back slapping follows]

Mij: We're in charge of the FZ hologram!! Oboy oboy!

FZ: Trouble everyday. (FZ turns into a pumpkin, barks twice, then rolls away down Laurel Canyon boulevard. There is a brief, almost inaudible sound of xylophone)

Caputh: Watch out for those Orange County Lumber trucks FZ!

Eddie: I'd hate for FZ to get turned into pumpkin pie.

DiscoBoy: What a freak. (looking down the road) Here comes the secret service limo!

[everyone turns to look]

Pedro: Our ride! Cool. (turns to the others) Good luck with your Uber. (kicks a pigeon out of his way and heads for the arriving limo)

[unseen by the rest of the gang Eddie has slipped off to an old, now phoneless, phonebooth. He steps into the booth and closes the door]

Trump (stopping before geting in the limo): Look at that huge, swarming funnel of flies descending on that old phonebooth.

[everyone turns to look. the booth lifts up out of the parking lot and into the sky]

Mij: Merde. Ce n'est pas possible!

Mr Nice: I smell maple syrup.

[eddie swoops down to the broken car, picks it up, and flies back into the sky] I'll drop this at Joe's! (disappears into the night)

Caputh: Was that Eddie?

Trump (climbing into the limo): No. (sarcastically) It was Studebaker Hoch.

[everyone laughs]

CURTAINS



***
Don't miss the next mind boggling episode in which the crew are employed to be in charge of the FZ Hologram! Can the gang get through the gig without fucking it up? Or will disaster strike?? Stay tuned...
***

Awesome...

Trump, FZ, Discoboy, Mij, Pedro, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh in
"Hologram Duty"

[SETTING: slightly cramped, converted warehouse near Arlington County, Virginia]

Trump (standing off in far RIGHT corner on his phone): Yup. Everything is going smoothly, boss. (casts a concerned eye over at the rest of the group)

db (to mij): watch out with the holographic plate you asshole.

mij: I only banged it up a little.

sb: don't tell Vai.

db: if you hurt the fz hologram I don't know what I'll do.

mr nice: FZ survived the fall into the orchestra pit, I'm sure a little bump won't hurt.

caputh: not funny.

mr nice: whatever.

sb (to mr nice): what's your problem?

eddie: they didn't show the Gomer Pyle reruns last night.

sb (alarmed): what??

mr. nice: they showed Alf reruns instead.

mij: I love that show!

mr. nice (glares at mij. rolls his eyes) whatever.

mij: (accidently fumbling the holographic plate again) ooops.

FZ: I know you're trying to wreck my life.

trump (hanging up his phone and rejoining the group): my job is to look after the reference beam only. ONLY.

discoboy: right. Trump's job is to look after the reference beam only. ONLY. And Pedro and I ONLY need to worry about the object beam. FACT!

pedro: exactly. And mr Quebec over here is in charge of the plate and he better not fuck it up!

mij (tucking in his Bon Jovi tshirt): yeah yeah yeah. You are uneducated and stupid so don't worry about me.

pedro: oh, I'm stupid? I had to explain to you how atoms make light.

mij: they do?

pedro: yeah. remember? the atoms getting excited? electrons kicked out from the nucleus into higher energy levels?

mij: um...uh..yeah. spontaneous emission with a woman named Ruby Crystal or something like that, right?

trump: enough!! I just hope there's some sluts at the shows. it's the only reason I took this gig. (begins to sing): S-L-U-T....she may be a slut but she looks good to me!

spacebrother: I'm just glad I got put in charge of the lens.

mr. nice: all I have to do is develop the film.

mij: we're all just fortunate to have jobs.

db (rolls his eyes): everyone has a job. employment is at an all time high! statistically you're not fortunate, you're just like everyone else.

FZ: We gotta send Santa Claus back to the Rescue Mission (FZ begins to break up like an old black and white television signal and then fades. there is the faint sound of guitar feedback and vibraphone)

caputh: FZ never ceases to amaze me.

eddie: Fuckin' A.

spacebrother: Watch your language please.

trump:Shut the fuck up.

[Everyone laughs]

LIGHTS. CURTAINS

LMFAO...this shit is golden...more please...

Tommy Shaw: "Too much time on my hands, ti ti ti ti ti ticking away"

_________________

I recommend a new character a duo:

"The Cali Dudes"

So Cal - coevad

Nor Cal - Plook

I'm waiting for the part of the story where Trump's head explodes like in the film "Scanners."

All they say is stupid shit like "Totally gnarly", "I'm so stoked", "That is so rad", and "Awesome"...

gagmewithaspoon

Your writing your own lines leave that to the professional...

It's gig night.
Do you know where your hologram is?

!!!Coming so soon you'll wish it was sooner!!! Trump, Fz, Pedro, Mij, Discoboy, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh in
HOLOGRAM DUTY ACT 2

With Very Special Guests:
Dionne Warwick
Peter Dinklage
Scott T
Arthur B
and
Steve V



***preview***

[backstage at a music venue in Baltimore, MD, USA]

Discoboy: After a survey costing the taxpayers only $450,288.99 we have determined that the wisest investment at the moment is dog food. There is a major trend right now with food stamp recipients buying dog food in order to more cheaply feed their families.

Dionne Warwick: In America, no less than any other country, people exist to serve the state. An American president once said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country". He wasn't kidding.

Peter Dinklage (to Mij): What did you do before you got into the hologram business?

Mij: Tree spiking.


***Available this Friday on the Zforum!!!***

Trump, FZ, Pedro, Mij, DiscoBoy, Spacebrother, Mr Nice, Eddie and Caputh in
"Hologram Duty" ACT 2

With Special Guests:
Peter Dinklage
Dionne Warwick
Scott T
Arthur B
Steve V

[setting: backstage at a music venue in Baltimore, Maryland, USA. people are hanging around. there are tables with food. most of the gang are around the food tables with others who have found themselves backstage including Dionne Warwick and Peter Dinklage.


Trump (to Dionne Warwick): The people need an enemy so that the government can remain in power and so that the establishment can maintain its economic advantage. We need enemies. Without an enemy there is no excuse for our defense budget.

Dionne Warwick: Technology is increasingly in the hands of the very rich. Dissenting views are seldom heard because the dissenters are systematically denied access to the technology.

(Trump's hand slides up Dionne's dress. He gropes around as if trying to retrieve a letter through a mail slot)

Dionne Warwick: Ahem. Most women today are unwilling to be nothing more than objects of male sexual fantasies Mr president.

Peter Dinklage (to Mij): What did you do before you got in the hologram business?

Mij: Tree spiking.

Trump (abruptly removes his hand. turns to peter): I'm heavily invested in meat byproducts.

DiscoBoy (again wearing the now doughnut-jelly stained pale yellow Vince cashmere sweater he was wearing in Act 1. nods his head vigorously): Heavily invested.

Dionne Warwick: And you DiscoBoy...what did you do before this?

DiscoBoy: I'm heavily invested in prisons and memory care facilities. And Spacer (nods toward Spacebrother) is heavily invested in arugula.

Spacebrother (puts on his Santos de Cartier sunglasses): Pay no mind to DiscoDouche, Mizz Warwick. I'm in real estate. I'll buy, sell, divide, sublet anything.

Pedro: And he means anything.

Spacebrother: (turns to Pedro) And what is it you do when you're not playing with lasers?

Pedro: Lately I've been picking off middle aged divorced women in Chagrin Falls.

Eddie: That's like shooting fish in a barrel.

Pedro (laughs) Yeah.

Discoboy: After a survey costing the taxpayers only $450,288.99 we have determined that the wisest investment at the moment is dog food. There is a major trend right now with food stamp recipients buying dog food in order to more cheaply feed their families.

Dionne Warwick: In America, no less than any other country, people exist to serve the state. An American president once said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country". He wasn't kidding.

Mij: I think the music hologram business is where it's at.

FZ: It works for all of those record company pricks who come to skim the cream.

Mr Nice: (enters from stage LEFT talking on his phone): mm hmm. Yes that is correct. We need notarization first if any male wants to make a female squirm. Exactly. Listen, I gotta go. (hangs up phone. looks at spacebrother) Save me some of that vegan cheese.

Pedro: Try some of this shredded pork! (flings a forkful of soggy pork at Mr Nice)

[off to stage right in the foreground is the concert stage. loud metallic guitar comes blaring up as the action shifts to the stage. Steve V jumps through a hoop of fire on a unicycle while playing the Illionois Enema Bandit solo with a flaming bow]

Scott T: What the fuck is he doing?

Arthur B: A guitar solo.

Scott T: This is a soundcheck. Is the unicycle really necessary?

Arthur B: I'm still trying to relate to the solo. It's like watching lines on the highway go by.

FZ: And when they think they've got it they launch a new career. (FZ suddenly gets sucked away into a gypsy mutant industrial vacuum cleaner. There is a distant sound of castanets beneath the vacuum noises)

Caputh: Is it just me or was the vacuum cleaner hose waving with marginal erotic abandon?

Eddie (raises his eyebrows while looking at Caputh): I definitely heard castanets.

Trump: Alright. lets get the hologram going. Make sure it's all working properly so I can start to relax and have some drinks.

(the crew take their places and the hologram comes to life. The band break into Stinkfoot and suddenly...oh no...what's this??...it's the Ronnie James Dio hologram!!)

[Mr Nice and Spacebrother take a step back and look at each other]

Spacebrother: Remember in Philly? Outside that truck stop?

Mr Nice: We wondered why the lock to the back of the truck container was left unlatched?

Spacebrother: We figured it was just someone flaking out again.

Mr Nice: And decided not to mention it.

Spacebrother: That was the truck with the FZ hologram wasn't it?

Mr Nice: Oh fuck. Someone pulled the old switcharoo.

Spacebrother: We have to find a way to blame it on Discoboy and Pedro.

Mr Nice: But how? We were the ones who were told to secure that truck.

Spacebrother: Our ass is grass if we don't find that FZ hologram!


Dim Lights

END ACT 2


***
coming next....the mind roasting conclusion of Hologram Duty!

preview ACT 3:

Eddie: Dio doing Stinkfoot. That could be interesting.

Trump: Sure, and FZ can do Heaven And Hell over in Rhode Island tonight! (rolls his eyes) We must find that FZ hologram!