Zappa.com

The Official Frank Zappa Messageboards
It is currently Tue May 26, 2020 8:06 pm

All times are UTC - 8 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3562 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143  Next
Author Message
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 12:55 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Jul 08, 2014 4:19 am
Posts: 17066
Location: misanthropia
Image

_________________
that's what happens when you don't read you loose your link to higher thinking


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 2:04 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
What's the last thing you hear before a redneck dies?
Hey y'all watch this.

Why do rednecks like to have sex doggy style?
So they can both watch wrestling on television.

What's the cheapest meat a redneck can buy?
Moose balls, because they're both under a buck.

Why do the police hate redneck crime scenes?
All the DNA matches and there are no dental records.

What does a redneck do is his dishwasher stops working?
He slaps her on the ass and says "back to work!".

What do you have if you put 32 rednecks in the same room?
A full set of teeth.

You might be a redneck if.....
You let your 13 year old smoke at the diner table in front of her kids.

You might be a redneck if.....
Your blood alcohol level is higher than your IQ.

You might be a redneck if.....
Your home is mobile but your car isn't.

How can you tell if a 13 year old redneck is a virgin?
She can run faster than her brothers.

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 14, 2020 4:02 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:14 am
Posts: 36576
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.
The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”
He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”
The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.
The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The American says, “That's nothing.”
He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bows. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return."
The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.
The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage."
The British admiral says, “That's nothing. Sailor, come here."
The matelot comes to attention and salutes.
The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam then climb up the mast and do it again."
The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”
The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage."

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 16, 2020 7:38 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
How do you befriend a squirrel?
Just act like a nut.

How do you stop moles digging in your garden?
Hide the spade.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten-tickles!

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2020 8:51 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 3:45 am
Posts: 12412
Location: EINDHOVEN
Coronavirus News Flash: King Felipe VI is quarantined to his jet. Madrid news reports that, yes, the reign of Spain is staying mainly on the plane!

_________________
Image
Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2020 3:01 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2018 3:01 pm
Posts: 3643
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 17, 2020 5:25 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look! I’m about to change.

What does a nut say when it sneezes?
Cashew.

Why was the little strawberry crying?
His mom was in a jam.

How do you put an alien baby to sleep?
You rocket!

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2020 7:06 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 3:45 am
Posts: 12412
Location: EINDHOVEN
There are so many coronavirus jokes, this might become a pundemic!

_________________
Image
Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2020 8:25 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 31, 2003 2:41 pm
Posts: 16784
They found some poor guy in Omaha face down in a bowl of pita filling.


They're calling it a hummuside.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2020 4:52 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Image

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 23, 2020 7:24 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2018 3:01 pm
Posts: 3643
A man went to see the Doctor complaining of diarrhea. The Doctor could not understand why the patient should have such a problem as he lead a vey healthy lifestyle so he told him to drop his trousers and underpants and bend over so that the Doctor could have a look.

"It's hereditary", said the Doctor.

"How can diarrhea be hereditary?", asked the patient.

The Doctor said, "It's in your genes".


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 24, 2020 12:35 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Once Chuck Norris and time had race.
Result: The time is still running.

Chuck Norris could start a fire with 2 ice cubes.

It is more of a challenge for Chuck Norris to kill something with a gun
than with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris went to every planet in the galaxy.
That is why there is no life on any of them.

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 25, 2020 9:27 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Image

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2020 12:06 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sat Feb 24, 2007 7:14 am
Posts: 36576
Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Image

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 26, 2020 1:15 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jul 03, 2009 11:53 pm
Posts: 1065
Location: ger-money
Image

_________________
ImageImageImageImageImage


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 29, 2020 8:52 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 3:45 am
Posts: 12412
Location: EINDHOVEN
I feel like a teenager again: gas is cheap and I'm grounded!

They said going to the grocery store in a mask and gloves was fine but, when I got there, everybody else was wearing clothes!

_________________
Image
Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2020 4:18 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Tue Oct 29, 2002 12:41 pm
Posts: 17830
Location: City Of Tiny Lites
Image

_________________
Image


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2020 2:06 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2020 1:16 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Sun Aug 03, 2003 3:45 am
Posts: 12412
Location: EINDHOVEN
"Dad, why did you name my sister, Paris?" "Because that's where she was conceived. Why do you ask, Quarantine?"

_________________
Image
Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: the dad joke thread
PostPosted: Mon May 04, 2020 1:21 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 3:29 pm
Posts: 8047
Location: exile
I've been thinking of joining the procrastinators club, but I keep putting it off...

_________________
"bit of nostalgia for the old folks."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 1:16 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2018 3:01 pm
Posts: 3643
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find.

In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without).

He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: the bad joke thread
PostPosted: Tue May 05, 2020 2:25 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Apr 03, 2006 3:29 pm
Posts: 8047
Location: exile
why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?

because they’re really good at it.

_________________
"bit of nostalgia for the old folks."


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 06, 2020 6:12 am 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Mon Jan 03, 2005 7:51 pm
Posts: 37121
Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Image

_________________
hey punk where you going with that golf club in your hand, again.....


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2020 2:21 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2018 3:01 pm
Posts: 3643
I was having sex with my friend’s wife the other evening when her phone rang.

I freaked out and hurriedly started getting dressed because I could hear it was her husband.

She hung up and told me not to panic – he told her he was going to be late home because he was out drinking with me.


Top
 Profile  
 
 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 08, 2020 2:37 pm 
Offline
User avatar

Joined: Fri Jun 22, 2018 3:01 pm
Posts: 3643
How do you turn a 3D printer into a 4D printer?

Just give it time.


Top
 Profile  
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  [ 3562 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1 ... 138, 139, 140, 141, 142, 143  Next

All times are UTC - 8 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 12 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum

Search for:
Jump to:  
Powered by phpBB® Forum Software © phpBB Group