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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2020 12:05 pm 
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Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

The barman said, " Not you two again".


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 29, 2020 12:08 pm 
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They were clutching it


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 11:53 am 
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I said to the waitress, “Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”

She said, “The men I please are none of your business!”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 30, 2020 11:58 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 1:13 pm 
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The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.

He’s a Cairo-practor.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 1:33 pm 
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Tarzan had spent his whole life living in the jungle and had no idea what sex is.

One day Jane decided to give him a few hours of sex ed and explain it all to him with gestures like he was a child:

"Tarzan, this thing hanging between your legs is your 'rag' and this thing you see between my legs is a 'washing machine'… What you have to do is wash your rag in my machine."

The next five evenings Tarzan 'washes his rag' uncontrollably.

When the exhausted Jane finally manages to catch her breath she tells him:

"Tarzan, listen to me… You can't wash your rag so often because the washing machine will break" You need to wash it every three to four days."

Tarzan listens to her and for the next month he doesn't even lay a finger on 'the machine'.

A a result, Jane becomes anxious and asks him: "Tarzan, what's wrong? Why haven't you washed your rag in my machine for a month?"

Tarzan responds happily: "Tarzan learn to wash by hand!!!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2020 1:35 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 01, 2020 7:01 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Why can't the T-Rex clap?

Because he is dead.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:42 am 
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Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn’t family?

(Arse skin for a friend.)


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 1:44 am 
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I’ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody.

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 03, 2020 12:12 pm 
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A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 3:16 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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hey punk I didn't know you were a Doctor


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 12:05 pm 
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I've just about got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 04, 2020 4:27 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
I think I may lose my driver’s license and just because of a stupid police officer.

A police officer pulled me over the over the other day and the ensuing conversation went like this:

Officer:
"License and registration, please. I think you are driving drunk!"

Me:
"I assure you, I have not had anything to drink."

Officer:
"Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine you’re driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see
two lights in the distance. What are they?"

Me:
"An approaching car."

Officer:
"Of course! But what kind… Mercedes, Audi or a Ford?"

Me:
"I have no idea!"

Officer:
"So, you're drunk."

Me:
"But I haven't drunk anything!"

Officer:
"Okay, imagine, you are driving in the dark on a highway at night and there is one light coming at you.
What is it?”

Me:
"Probably a motorcycle."

Officer:
"Of course! But what kind? A Honda, Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:
"I have no idea!"

Officer:
"There you are! You're driving drunk!"

I’m getting really annoyed by this time and I ask him a counter question.

Me:
"So, let’s suppose you're driving in the dark, on a highway, at night, and you see a woman on the roadside.
She is wearing a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes, and a bra as a top.
What is she?"

Officer:
"A prostitute of course."

Me:
"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Well, things sort ’a went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2020 1:17 pm 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
Wall Street, Explained: Once upon a time, in a village overrun with monkeys, a man announced that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. Because there were monkeys everywhere, the villagers caught them and sold him thousands. But as soon the supply diminished, monkeys became harder to catch, and the villagers stopped trying. The man then announced that he would pay $20 for each monkey, which renewed the villagers' efforts and they caught monkeys again. But soon the supply diminished even further and monkeys were ever harder to catch, so people went back to their farms and forgot about catching monkeys. When the man increased his price to $30, the supply of monkeys grew so sparse, people rarely even saw a monkey, much less catch one. Then he announced a new price: $50! "But, since I must go away on business, my assistant will now pay you on my behalf." When he left, his assistant announced, "See this big cage full of monkeys that the man has bought from you. I will sell them to you for $40 each. Then, when he returns, you can sell them to him for $50." The villagers pooled their savings, sold their assets, and bought all the monkeys from the assistant. That night the assistant left town and they never saw him, nor the man, again.

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Join the PackardGoose forum! Send me a PM!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 06, 2020 6:13 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 07, 2020 12:54 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Policeman: Where do you live?
KU: With my parents.
Policeman: Where do your parents live?
KU: With me.
Policeman: Where do you all live?
KU: Together.
Policeman: Where is your house?
KU: Next to my neighbor's house.
Policeman: Where is your neighbor's house?
KU: You won't believe me if I tell you.
Policeman: Tell me!
KU: Next to my house.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 07, 2020 1:34 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 07, 2020 12:19 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 07, 2020 12:30 pm 
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Posts: 6510
Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
:mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
That one was hilarious !!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 08, 2020 1:31 pm 
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A university maths professor (John) is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my monthly salary." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only stayed at school until year 11, they don't like educated people."

The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But then the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a sixth form education. So they all go to night school.

On the first day of night school they all attend maths class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realises he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus looks wrong so he starts all over again, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 08, 2020 4:09 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 09, 2020 6:34 pm 
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Location: Kissimmee, FL
I'm driving along and I see a s guy with a cart on the side of the road with a sign that says $2 Lobster Tails. So, I pull in and give the guy $2. He says, "so, one time there was this lobster......"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 10, 2020 12:14 pm 
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t, I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a …


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 12, 2020 12:15 pm 
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There's a horse is sitting at home, watching MTV. He’s watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says “that looks amazing, I want to do that!”

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play guitar.” Says the horse.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the horse. “I’m a horse.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

“Hey Chicken, come over!” he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it’s pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says “hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that.”

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play the drums.” Says the chicken.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the chicken. “I’m a chicken.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something’s missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they’ve been up to. Cow thinks it’s pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. “Hi, I’d like to learn to play bass guitar.” Says the cow.

“Sure,” says the man on the phone. “Just come to your lesson and we’ll get you started.”

“There’s just one problem,” says the cow. “I’m a cow.”

“Not to worry,” the man says. “We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You’ll be playing like a pro in no time.”

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they’re practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says “hey, you guys are pretty good! I’m from a record label, I’d like to sign you!”

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she’s all good, it’s just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he’s out of a job and he’s stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he’ll drink himself to death.

So the horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “why the long face?”


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