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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 8:53 am 
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With this being the Zappa forum, I can also give you the German:
Kohlenpott

Dem gesprächigen Papagei ist es alleine zuhause zu langweilig.

So telefoniert er und bestellt Kohlen.

Als Herrchen und Frauchen abends nach Hause kommen, liegt ein Riesensack Kohlen vor der Haustür.

Sie sind entsetzt und schimpfen mit dem Papagei:
“Wehe, du bestellst nochmal Kohlen!”

Am nächsten Tag das gleiche Spielchen, abends liegt ein Berg Kohlen vor der Tür.

Auch am dritten Tag bestellt der Papagei wieder Kohlen.

Herrchen und Frauchen sind wütend, sie schnappen den Papagei, nageln ihn an ein Kreuz und hängen ihn im Wohnzimmer an die Wand.

Der Papagei hebt langsam seinen Kopf, schaut nach rechts, entdeckt das Jesus-Kreuz neben sich und fragt:

“Na, Inri, hast du auch Kohlen bestellt?…”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 10:41 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 29, 2019 10:41 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:37 am 
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Why was the battlefield white, after the Japanese attacked?
Because, they just kept coming and coming....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:32 pm 
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I bought a Christmas tree today.

The salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself.

I said no, in my living room.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 30, 2019 1:37 pm 
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Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 01, 2019 10:45 pm 
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What's the difference between a man working in an imitation cheese factory and Freddie Mercury?

The first man wants to fake brie.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:57 am 
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The manager of a company has to make a hard choice: lay off Jack or Jane.

They are both superb workers, but the company has run into hard times.

At that moment, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets up from her desk to get some water.

The manager decides to use this opportunity to break the bad news to her.

Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I’ve got to lay you or Jack off."

Jane: "Well, Jack off. I've got a hangover."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 11:58 am 
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What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 04, 2019 12:35 pm 
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A man goes to a costume party wearing nothing but pants.

The host asks: "What are you supposed to be?"

The man replies: "I am a premature ejaculation!"

To which the host replies: "Interesting... But why are you not wearing a shirt or shoes or a hat or anything else?"

The man says: "Well I just came in my pants!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 06, 2019 12:34 pm 
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Birkenhead Lass goes the doctors and says;

Girl "doc I've got a sore finger"

Doc "Is it your whole finger?"

Girl "No it's the one next to it"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 06, 2019 12:58 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 07, 2019 6:44 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 09, 2019 12:10 pm 
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”

The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow.

“What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.”

The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Dec 10, 2019 12:00 pm 
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I asked my girlfriend to describe me in five words.

She came up with "I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect."

Then she added that I also had a total and fundamental mis-understanding of apostrophes and spacing.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2019 12:07 pm 
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Tourism ad for Holland: Come, have sex and get stoned.

And below that

Tourism ad for Saudi Arabia: Ditto


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2019 4:11 pm 
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Why was Santa's little helper so sad? He had low elf-esteem

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 1:50 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 6:11 pm 
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Didja hear about the 747 that crashed in the Polish cemetery?

So far they've recovered 7000 bodies.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 13, 2019 11:07 pm 
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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:19 am 
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What is the best and yet the worst news you can hear at the same time ?

It is when your girlfriend tells you that you are better in bed than all of your friends.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:39 pm 
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Recently, around my way, someone's been stealing the wheels off police cars.

The police are working tirelessly trying to find him.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:40 pm 
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With Christmas pressies in mind:

I just bought the most up to date train set there is.

It even comes with a replacement bus service


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 14, 2019 4:08 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 16, 2019 1:15 pm 
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Melania Trump wrote:
With Christmas pressies in mind:

I just bought the most up to date train set there is.

It even comes with a replacement bus service

Lol, this joke also matches the sad state of german train infrastructure that even forced Greta to sit down on the floor (with a 1st class ticket in her possession) :mrgreen:
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https://abcnews.go.com/International/greta-thunberg-german-rail-company-twitter-spat/story?id=67753450

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