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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2019 3:42 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 19, 2019 11:08 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington, New Zealand.
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hey kemosabe where you goin' with no mask on your face.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2019 12:56 pm 
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I’m fat, but I identify as skinny.

I’m trans-slender.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 20, 2019 7:18 pm 
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Did you hear they no longer have ice cubes in Poland?

They lost the recipe.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 21, 2019 12:58 am 
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While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing no one around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

“What’s that?” she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

“Tennis ball,” came the breathless reply.

“Oh,” said the blonde sympathetically, “that must be painful…. I had tennis elbow once.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2019 10:40 pm 
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A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance.

The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!” she said.

“Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole.” she replied.

He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2019 10:44 pm 
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A man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you this, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will not change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years you will never go far with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will have to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.” “So be it! I guess we will not do business together” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

Five years later the agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the letter enclosed.

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said and I decided you were right, I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed cheque is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 22, 2019 10:46 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 11:48 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 3:01 pm 
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“I just can’t listen to any more Wagner… I’m starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 3:03 pm 
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A man saves up for years to take his dream vacation to a small island in the South Pacific. When he finally gets there, the sound of drums fills the air, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata.

The man asks the porter carrying his bags, "What's up with the drums? Is it a festival or something?"

The porter gets a serious look on his face and says, "If the drums stop,it will be very bad, very bad," and refuses to say any more about it.

Over the next few days the man is enjoying his vacation...and the drums are still playing, thumpa thumpa thumpata thumpata, non stop, 24 hours a day. Every time the man asks about the drums, he gets the same response - a fearful look and, "If the drums stop it will be very bad, very bad." The man is having trouble sleeping because the drums just - won't - stop.

Finally the man has had enough, and asks the hotel manager about the drums. When the manager starts on the usual response, the man cuts him off, "Yes, I know, I know! If the drums stop it will be very bad! Well, what would be so bad? What would happen if the drums stopped?"

The manager get a pained look, leans close and whispers, "When the drums stop, then comes the bass solo!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 4:50 pm 
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Why do women have two holes?

So they'll be no waiting.





(Well, you said BAD joke thread!)
I made that one up Friday, it's only the third time I told it...send it into the world and see if it comes back to me through 6 degrees of separation :)

Lol, that's my only legacy, my joke for the world, lol!

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Last edited by baddy on Sat Nov 23, 2019 4:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 4:53 pm 
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and I thought we had three :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 4:54 pm 
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Yeah, but the other one's always yakkin'!

ooooh, that's 2 in 2 days!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 23, 2019 5:28 pm 
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baddy wrote:
Why do women have two holes?

So they'll be no waiting.





(Well, you said BAD joke thread!)
I made that one up Friday, it's only the third time I told it...send it into the world and see if it comes back to me through 6 degrees of separation :)

Lol, that's my only legacy, my joke for the world, lol!


Melania Trump wrote:
and I thought we had three :mrgreen:


True :)

::undergoing modification...::
:: RESULTS READY >> PRESS ENTER TO OUTPUT...::



Why do women have three holes?

So they'll be no waiting :)

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Lesser-evilism is war.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 24, 2019 12:41 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 12:41 am 
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For classical listeners:

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Philip Glass


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 26, 2019 6:41 pm 
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Welcome to this meeting of Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I can see a lot of new faces here tonight... which is disappointing.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 1:42 am 
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A man shows up at the pearly gates and starts to walk through.

Saint Peter stops him, saying "Hold on a minute, we don't let just anyone in, we have to check you out first. What's your name?"

The man tells him and Saint Peter checks his book.

"Well, it looks like you lived an OK life, nothing bad, but nothing really great either.

"What? Are you kidding?" says the man. "One time I saw these five big guys drag this girl into an alley. I knew they were going to rape her, so I marched down the alley and punched the biggest guy right in the face. I told him, 'If you want her, you're going to have to go through me!'"

Saint Peter says "Wow! I don't have that in my book, when did that happen?"

"Oh, about 5 minutes ago."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 1:44 am 
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A 75 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?!!!!

" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could open the jar."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 4:46 am 
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A burglar breaks into a house in a ritzy area of town. He's sure that there's nobody home, but he still sneaks in, doesn't turn on any lights and heads straight for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

Suddenly, he hears a voice call out, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

The burglar freezes in his tracks. He doesn't move a muscle.

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

The burglar slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the room. He sees a birdcage with a parrot in it.

"Did you say that?" the burglar asks the parrot.

The parrot says again, "I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!"

"Hah! So what?” says the burglar. “You're just a parrot!"

"I may be just a parrot," replies the bird, "but Jesus is a Doberman!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 5:00 am 
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Goldberg opens a hardware store.
To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 5:08 am 
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A priest and a pastor...
... are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, 'The end is near! Turn around now before it's too late!'

They hold up the sign to cars passing by.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yells the first driver as he speeds by.

From around the curve they hear screeching tires and a big splash.

"Do you think," says the priest to the pastor, "we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 5:11 am 
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A Modern Islamic Couple are getting married..
A modern Islamic couple preparing for a religious wedding meet with their Mullah for counseling. The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man says, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together. "

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately. "

"So, after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife? "

" No , " answers the Mullah. " It ' s forbidden in Islam . "

"Well, OK," says the man. "What about sex?

Can we finally have sex? "

" Of course ! " replies the Mullah. " AlIa ho Akber !

Sex is OK within a marriage to have children ! "

"What about different positions?" asks the man. "AlIa ho Akber! No problem," says the Mullah. "Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the Mullah. "AlIa ho Akber. Go for it!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! AlIa ho Akber! "

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! AlIaho Akber!"

"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

" You may, indeed. AlIa ho Akber ! " "Can we do it standing up?"

"No," says the Mullah.

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 28, 2019 5:55 am 
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This one I had to Google in German, there was no English version, I had google translate it an I fixed two lines:

Kohlenpott

The chatty parrot is bored at home alone.

So he calls and orders coal.

As master and mistress come home in the evening, a huge bag of coals on the doorstep.

They are horrified and scold the parrot:
"Woe, you're ordering coals again!"

The next day the same game, in the evening there is a mountain of coal in front of the door.

Also on the third day the parrot ordered coal again.

Masters and mistresses are furious, they grab the parrot, nail it to a cross and hang it in the living room against the wall.

The parrot slowly raises his head, looks to the right, discovers the crucifix next to him and asks:

"Well, Inri, did you order coals too? ..."


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