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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 12:31 pm 
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Another for the linguistically inclined:

Me: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

Producer: You mean a choir?

Me: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 05, 2019 1:53 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:27 pm 
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A pupil visits the head teacher's office one day and the head says to him, “What’s your name, son?”

The pupil replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

The head looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

The pupil replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an idiot.”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:29 pm 
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A man walks into a zoo, the only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

It's a Shih Tzu


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:32 pm 
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I just found out cock fighting is done with chickens.

Months of training wasted...


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:34 pm 
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A man on a business trip to Las Vegas heard about how good the Las Vegas prostitutes were so on his first night there, he decided he would go out and try his luck. He walked outside his hotel and looked up and down the street and saw an attractive girl standing on the corner. He approached her and asked her if she is working tonight and sure enough she said "Meet me in room 804 across the street." He was in luck. She was a knockout. They got to the room and he sat down anxiously on the edge of the bed. She asked him what he wanted and he thought for a second, then said "How much for a hand job?" She said, "300". His eyes popped open and he asked "300?" She said, "Walk over to that window and open the curtains". He proceeded. "See that motel down there? I own it, and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He was like, "well go right ahead honey". So she proceeded to give him the best hand job he ever had. After a little rest he thought, if that was that good..."How much for a blow job?" She said "600". OH MY GOD! was his reply. She told him to walk back over to the window. "See that 15 story hotel? I own it and I didn't inherit it. I'm that good." He said "Well get to work then sweetie." And sure enough he got the best blow job he ever received. After a little "rebuilding" time he thought, if that was that good... "How much for sex?" She chuckled and said, "Honey, I'd own this whole damned town if only I had a pussy."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 07, 2019 1:15 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 08, 2019 1:46 pm 
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^ WTF, are you still scarred of the British :mrgreen:

People often ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2019 1:16 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 10, 2019 6:16 pm 
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How do you keep an asshole in suspense?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 11, 2019 12:20 am 
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baddy wrote:
How do you keep an asshole in suspense?

easy. tell him/her this joke:
lapsed maps wrote:
how do you keep a polack in suspense?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 12:32 pm 
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A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door last night. I asked him in, sat him down and said "Right what do you want to talk about?"

He said "F##k knows, never got this far before.."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 12:33 pm 
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band, but left because it was just one ting after another.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 1:18 pm 
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Melania Trump wrote:
A Jehovah's witness knocked on my door last night. I asked him in, sat him down and said "Right what do you want to talk about?"

He said "F##k knows, never got this far before.."


I got bothered by a bunch of people trying to sell me skin care products last week.

Fucking Jojoba Witnesses.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 13, 2019 11:54 pm 
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger dicks than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2019 7:10 am 
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What's the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2019 12:32 pm 
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Jake decided to send his good friend, Thomas, a bouquet of flowers to celebrate Thomas's business expansion.

He called a florist in Thomas' local area and made arrangements- flowers, personalized note, vase, and so forth.

A week later, Thomas called Jake, confused. "Jake- what the hell? The florist dropped off a bouquet of lilies with a message that says 'Rest in peace.'"

Jake realizes the florist's mistake and calls them to complain.

"We deeply apologize, sir, " the florist said. "But hey, it could be worse. Somewhere right now is a grave with colorful flowers and a message that says 'Congratulations on your new location!'"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 14, 2019 1:17 pm 
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Did you hear that McDonald's is coming out with a McJackson burger?
It's a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 2:32 pm 
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A woman is cheated by on by her husband. Devastated, she doesn’t know how to continue to live her life. She then heard that there was a very wise monk who lived up a mountain, and decided to go there to consult him.

After few days of traveling, walking, climbing, she reached the top and met the wise monk.

“I have spent my whole life with him, my youth was dedicated to support him, take care of him. And now he left me with a young women. My life is stolen, and I’m left with nothing. I don’t know what to do”.

The monk gave her a cookie and asked her to eat it. After she finished eating, he asked: “Is the cookie delicious?”

“Yes”- she answered.

“Do you want another one?”

“Sure, please”.

The monk looked her in the eyes and said “Do you see the problem now?”

The woman thought for a while, reflected and then slowly said, “I guess human nature is greedy. You got one, then you want more, maybe a new one, bigger one. It’s never enough. And nothing lasts forever, anything is impermanence. We should be aware and not disappointed for that”.

The monk shook his head “No, I mean you are too fat, you should eat less."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 2:35 pm 
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An American businessman dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.

The businessman says, "Who is this?"

"This is the maid.", answered the woman.

"We don't have a maid!"

"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."

"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."

The businessman is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

"What do I have to do?"

"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.

The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"

"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What pool?"

"Uh.. is this 832-4173?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 2:39 pm 
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The oldest known 'British' joke comes from a 10th century book of Anglo-Saxon poetry:

Q: What hangs at a man's thigh and pokes a hole it has often poked before?

A: A key.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 15, 2019 4:04 pm 
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Q.What did North Koreans use for lighting before candles?
A. Electricity.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 16, 2019 12:58 pm 
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow.

The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So she drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. She then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and this time the chicken falls into the mud hole.

The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." So the chicken did and pulled herself to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 16, 2019 1:03 pm 
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An elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 11:00 pm 
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