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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:00 pm 
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Donald Trump goes to hell

Upon arriving the devil tells him that they are out of space but he definitely belongs there and he's gonna have to take the spot of someone else.

The 1st Room they go to has Adolf Hitler huffing puffing and shuffling papers around a desk. Donald says he definitely doesn't want any of that.

When they get to the 2nd Room they see Osama bin Ladin with a sledge hammer breaking big rocks into smaller rocks, Donald passes on this too.

When they get to the 3rd Room and open the door they see Bill Clinton getting a blow job from Monica Lewinsky. Donald smiles and says "This room is for me".

The devil says "OK Monica you're free to leave".


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 1:01 pm 
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2019 11:50 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 12:44 am 
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I deleted all my German friends off my mobile last night.

It's now completely Hans-free.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 12:45 am 
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Paddy and Murphy stood with there hands out between them they had a qwid but both dying for a pint !

Murphy grabs the money and runs off and comes back with a sausage what the bloody hell says Paddy , I've got a plan said Murphy follow me !

Off they go into the pub and order two pints and quickly down erm before paying , with that Murphy sticks the sausage between his legs go down and suck it Paddy with that he's there , batman shouts out you dirty bastard's get out and throws them out were on to a winner here Paddy so off they go ,

Ten pubs in Paddy looks up to Murphy and says mate I can't do this any more im drunk and don't remember where I am , Murphy looks at him and says me too I can't remember were I lost the sausage :doh: :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 12:47 am 
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A man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 12:49 am 
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My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her.

So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 12:52 am 
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Senior Sex

A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 12:17 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 21, 2019 11:48 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 2:14 am 
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Why does Donald want to go to Mars, a Mars Debate :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 2:18 am 
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A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!" :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:00 pm 
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There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:01 pm 
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One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Jewish," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Muslim."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.
The secretary replied, "Oh, the Catholics are in room 8, and they think that they are they only ones here."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:04 pm 
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These were (allegedly) posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!). Worth a re-post, I'd say!

______________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
______________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
______________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
______________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?
______________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
______________________________________________

Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_____________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
______________________________________________

Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
______________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )
A: You are a British politician, right?
______________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
______________________________________________

Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from..
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
______________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
______________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
______________________________________________

Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.
______________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:06 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:07 pm 
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A strange new trend seems to be starting in the office - people naming food in the canteen fridge.

Today I had a tuna sandwich called Kevin.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 23, 2019 12:10 pm 
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A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, " Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'OK,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!


One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.

'The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

.

.

.

.

.

'Mixin-me-toasties.'


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2019 12:20 pm 
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For Halloween I've got a job making plastic Draculas.

There's only two of us working here so I have to make every second count.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2019 12:48 pm 
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My sister told me I couldn't make a bicycle out of spaghetti.

You should have seen her face when I rode pasta.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:45 pm 
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I have a friend who is a Russian sounds engineer.

And a Czech one too


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 12:57 pm 
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Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
^^^ :roll:
Got me on this one !
:mrgreen:

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No doubt, we're doomed ! For a real diplomacy: abolish Electoral College
Ignore list: DiscoBoy


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 25, 2019 1:20 pm 
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well lets try this one :mrgreen: I think its about Tom Jones

Son: "Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbour's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally upset, but a couple of months later:

Son: "Dad, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbour's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on four more times, and finally the son was so angry, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum, I am so angry with dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, "You can date whoever you want. He isn't your father!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 26, 2019 3:20 pm 
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Did you hear about the dyslexic who choked on his own vimto?

How about the dyslexic pimp who bought a warehouse?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Oct 26, 2019 3:22 pm 
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Or even:

Two Dyslexic Skiers were at the top of a mountain in the Alps getting ready to ski down to the bottom.

The first one said to his mate, "Come on then, let's Zig Zag all the way down."

His friend replied, "No, no, you've got it wrong. We should be Zag Zigging down."

"It's Zig-Zag" said the first.

"No it's Zag-Zig" argued his mate.

Then they saw a guy on a sled waiting to take a run down the slope. They asked his opinion on their dilemma.

"Is it Zig-Zag or Zag-Zig?" asked the first skier.

"I don't know, I'm a tobogganist" he replied.

"Oh, ok" said the second skier "I'll have 20 Marlboros instead please."


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