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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:22 pm 
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The ice cream truck is going down the street and a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going.

She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and she's out of breath.

Truck driver: “Hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “Nothing. I just wanted to tell you...I'm vegan”.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 07, 2019 2:19 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 11:45 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Peter is watching all of the new arrivals trying to go through the pearly gates in Heaven.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.
"I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.
Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th-floor apartment and found the guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.
On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him.
At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”
Saint Peter thanked him for his story and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.
"I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment and I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building.
I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th-floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot.
I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest.”
Saint Peter couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
Saint Peter is still chuckling when his third customer of the day enters.
He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”
"I don't know," replies the man. "Picture this, I'm naked, hiding in this cedar chest…"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 12:10 pm 
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My wife told me not to steal the kitchen utensils, but it's a whisk I'm willing to take.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 09, 2019 12:14 pm 
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I was going to donate blood today, but they ask way too many personal questions.

Like, "Whose blood is this?", and "Where did you get it?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 12:17 pm 
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Donald Trump is getting worried about his future as President, ya know no kidding...........

So he went and called the world leaders he most admires. He makes a conference call to Putin, Kim Jong-un,and Rodrigo Duterte.

"Guys, next to me, you are the greatest leaders in the world. What can I do to stop from getting impeached?"

There is a lot of talking between them and then Putin says, "Donny, we know this is very important. We need to discuss it for a while. We will call you back."

A half hour later, Trump's phone rings and its Putin, Kim, and Duterte back on the phone.

Putin speaks."We've thought it over and decided that there are two things that you must do. First, gather up all the Democrat politicians and have them shot. Second, paint the outside of the White House blue."

--"Blue?! Why would I paint the White House blue?"

A howl of laughter comes out of the speaker phone. Putin says "See? I told you he wouldn't ask about the first one!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 12:41 pm 
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A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and raises his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

He shouts, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. Paddy Murphy gets up and leaves the bar.

Thirty minutes later, he shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Paddy. The Texan answers, "Yes," and he orders the barman to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Paddy downs all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer and the Texan sits down in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and asks, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

Paddy Murphy replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.".......


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Oct 10, 2019 12:43 pm 
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When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves, I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 11, 2019 11:23 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:33 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Oct 13, 2019 10:34 pm 
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A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man.

The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches: Turner Brown."

The dwarf faints!

After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself.

So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing.

"For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2019 11:50 am 
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I taught my wolf to meditate

He's aware wolf now


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Oct 14, 2019 12:38 pm 
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Quote:
TOP DEFINITION
Flacido Domingo
Slang for flaccidity. A chick has to be truly busted to induce "Flacido Domingo." Because as most guys will readily admit - they will pretty much bone anything with a heatbeat.


https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Flacido%20Domingo


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 12:10 pm 
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The Reverend John Flapps was the pastor of a small town church
in Ireland . One day he was walking down the High Street and he
noticed a young lady of his congregation sitting in a pub
drinking beer.
The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open
door of the pub and sat down next to the woman.

'Mrs Fitzgerald,' he said sternly. 'This is no place for a member
of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?'

'Sure,' she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave
back and forth.


The Reverend realised that she'd had far too much to drink and
grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost
their Balance and tumbled to the floor.


After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up
on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.


The pub landlord looked over and said, 'Oi Mate, we won't have
any of that carrying on in this pub.'

The Reverend looked up at the landlord and said, 'But you
don't understand, I'm Pastor Flapps.'

The landlord nodded and said,
'Oh well, if you're that far in, you might as well finish.'


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Oct 15, 2019 11:58 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington, New Zealand.
knock knock

it's open.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 16, 2019 12:29 am 
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who's on first


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 16, 2019 12:41 am 
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Location: misanthropia
a dyslexic walks into a bra

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Oct 16, 2019 1:39 am 
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Keith and his wife are struggling financially, so they decide that
she'll try being a call girl.She's notquite sure what to do, so Keith says,
"Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him you charge £100. Any questions and I'll be parked around the corner."

She stands outside the bar for about five minutes showing her leg, when a
guy pulls up and asks "How much?" She says, "£100." He replies,
"All I've got is £30."

She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Keith and asks. "The bloke only has £30; what can he
get for that?"

"A hand job," Keith replied. She runs back and tell the guy all he gets for £30 is a hand job.

He agrees and she gets in the car. He unzips his trousers, and out pops this bloody
huge penis. She stares at it for a few seconds, then says. "I'll be right
back." She runs back to Keith.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Any chance you could lend this guy seventy Quid?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:45 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:47 pm 
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A Spanish magician said "I will disappear on the count of three".

So he counted out loud...

"Uno!"

"Dos!"

And then *poof*...he vanished without a tres.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:51 pm 
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Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:54 pm 
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A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, "We got 'em!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:55 pm 
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I looked out of my window and saw a group of people gathering around a guy who'd come off his motorbike so I frantically rushed over,

"Out of the way" I shouted, as I pushed through the crowd.

"Are you a doctor?" one woman screamed.

"No" I replied, "That's my pizza"...............


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:57 pm 
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Wife and husband visit doctors for results of the wife's poor health .

Doctor : "Well it's one of two things heart disease or AIDS."

Husband alone with doctor : " What can I do doctor ? "

Doctor : " send her out for a 5 mile jog , if she comes back don't fuck her . "


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Oct 18, 2019 12:58 pm 
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One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.

Me: "It doesn't worry me at all."

Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."


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