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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:13 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 12:15 pm 
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 Post subject: #Portaria 666
PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 1:34 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jul 26, 2019 3:57 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2019 1:15 am 
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A young boy swallowed eight plastic horses. His mother raced him to the E.R. But don't worry; his condition is now stable.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2019 4:32 am 
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A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30 PM, after enjoying a day of golf.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen table, open-mouthed, listening to the tirade.
"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess and the dishes are still in the sink. I'm completely exhausted! I didn't get enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas? I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the fuck did you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole?"
The husband replied: "Because he's thinking of getting married."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jul 30, 2019 12:37 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 01, 2019 12:39 pm 
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James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, and then casually looks at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "State-of-the-art watch? What is so special about it?" "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically," Bond explains. "So what's it telling you now?" says the woman. "Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers," Bond replies. The woman giggles and says, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!" Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody thing's an hour fast."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 02, 2019 4:42 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2019 2:16 am 
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Three blondes girls were walking in the woods and came upon tracks.

The first one said, "Look, it's deer tracks."

The second one said, "No, it's wolf tracks".

Before the third one could answer, they got hit by a train.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2019 2:17 am 
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69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:45 pm 
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ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age
and start bragging about it.

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren’t paved.

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with
sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it’s called golf.

And, finally ~ If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you’re old.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2019 10:46 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 03, 2019 10:50 pm 
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A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."

The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it.

Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?"

She replies, "Soup and ice cream."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 2:35 am 
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Brazilian political parties for foreigners. Guess which one is from the current ass-in-chief.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:45 am 
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Bob was sitting on the plane, waiting to fly to Detroit, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, obviously in fear.

"What's the matter," Bob asked, "flying bother you?"

"No, I've been transferred to Detroit.?? I've heard things are terrible there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation.

Bob replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as you want to make it.

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking, and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But, if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?

"I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2019 1:22 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 06, 2019 1:41 am 
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:lol:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 07, 2019 12:55 pm 
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JS Bach fathered 18 children. The theory by most historians to account for this is that he obviously pulled out all the stops on his organ. Now you can imagine with all the children running around the house what a distraction that was for the maesteo. He's got cantatas and concertos to write. How's a fellow going to get any work done in that environment? Well, the solution turned out to be simple: he rented an apartment across town so he would have peace and quiet for composing. This went on well for a couple of days, but Johann noticed that he would get hungry around noon. So he went to Anna Magdalena and said, "Anna, just one more thing girl....could you pack some munster, liverwurst and pumpernickel in a bag for me and I'll have that for my snack at noon?" And so she did. And that ladies and gentlemen is how Bach's lunches got started.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2019 8:35 am 
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Remember: in English, I always comes before E except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters. Weird!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2019 12:26 pm 
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SUBJECT: TECHNICAL SUPPORT

Dear Technical Support,

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2005.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but I've been told there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Any advice would be helpful.
Many thanks.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2019 1:13 pm 
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I'm now thinking of releasing MultiUser Wife 7.0 but waiting for the Rolling Stones to do the Intro Music


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:53 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 10, 2019 10:27 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 11, 2019 7:15 am 
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