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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 19, 2019 1:40 pm 
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On reaching his seat on the plane a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, flustered; brings back a whisky for the parrot but forgets the coffee for the man.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot also drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess comes back shaking somewhat; with another whisky for the parrot but still forgetting the mans coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass!"

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up out of their seats together and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards the parrot turns to the man and says,

"For someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 21, 2019 6:34 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 4:14 am 
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As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Apr 22, 2019 4:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 12:27 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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hey punk, how did your skin become so thin.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 1:00 am 
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A cranky older woman "in her senior years" was arrested for shoplifting at a grocery store.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the security guard to the arresting
officer who took her away. She complained and criticized everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches you old fool.”
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine! But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because I'm going to give you
nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband raised his hand slowly
and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"
The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole two cans of peas."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 24, 2019 5:49 pm 
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What do you call a camel without a hump?

Humphrey!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2019 1:21 pm 
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A young man is 'entertaining' an older lady.

She says "Your organ isn't very big".

He replies "Well I didn't expect to be playing in a concert hall!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 04, 2019 5:20 pm 
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BBP wrote:
Schrodinger's cat walked into a bar. And doesn't.

Pavlov is sitting in a bar. The phone rings.
"Dammit," says Pavlov, "I forgot to feed the dog!"
Joe Heller
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 4:34 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
-Good day Sir, how may I help you?
-I'd like to start up a chicken farm. Could I have 100 chicks please?
-Certainly. That'll be $150. Good luck!

One month later
-Good day Sir, how may I help you?
-Could I have another 100 chicks?
-Oh dear, so your chicken farm hasn't worked out that well?
-No, I think I've planted them too deep.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 11:29 am 
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Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2019 9:42 am 
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Dave Whamond
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2019 1:38 pm 
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My wife of 14 years has just confessed to me today that she has a criminal record....

James Blunt's - Greatest Hits.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2019 4:08 pm 
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A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 3:48 pm 
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Trying to cite Kafka, the (des)education minister cited Kafta [Kofta]:
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"I was just kidding, guys, I know the correct name is FZ"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2019 12:28 am 
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway,
Ahh "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2019 12:37 pm 
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It's always a bit upsetting when your mother tells you that you were never her favourite child. Even more so when you don't have any brothers or sisters!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2019 5:21 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2019 12:14 pm 
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It was autumn, and the natives on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter.

Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised the tribe to collect wood and be prepared for a cold winter.

A few days later, as a practical afterthought, he called the National Weather Service and asked whether they were forecasting a cold winter. The meteorologist replied that, indeed, he thought the winter would be quite cold. The chief advised the tribe to stock even more wood.

A couple of weeks later, the chief checked in again with the Weather Service. “Does it still look like a cold winter?” asked the chief.

“It sure does,” replied the meteorologist. “It looks like a very cold winter.” The chief advised the tribe to gather up every scrap of wood they could find.

A couple of weeks later, the chief called the Weather Service again and asked how the winter was looking at that point. The meteorologist said, “We’re now forecasting that it will be one of the coldest winters on record!”

“Really?” said the chief. “How can you be so sure?”

The meteorologist replied, “The natives are collecting wood like crazy!”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2019 1:15 pm 
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A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ;they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2019 2:21 pm 
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Man and an Ostrich walk into a restaurant, the waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A burger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A burger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be £42.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 11, 2019 4:20 pm 
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2019 1:34 pm 
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A Marine Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 24 men raised their hands, except one.

The sergeant asked him "Why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied: "Can't be bothered, Sarge."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2019 1:35 pm 
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Updated nursery rhyme

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them too 'cos he was gay


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon May 13, 2019 5:12 am 
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A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

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