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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 1:43 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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This shop is two deer

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 2:43 am 
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Do you sell anything in there for two bucks?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 4:10 am 
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Location: misanthropia
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 11:16 pm 
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Bloke in a bar: What's the wifi password mate
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Bloke: Okay, I'll have a whisky and coke.
Bartender: Is Pepsi okay?

Bloke: Okay, How much is that?
Bartender: £4.75.

Bloke: There you go. So what's the wifi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 07, 2019 11:17 pm 
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One night a guy takes his girlfriend home.

As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little amorous.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall & smiling, he says to her, “Honey, would you have sex with me?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”
“Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!”

“No way. It’s just too risky!”
“Oh please, please. I love you so much!”

“No, no, & no. I love you too, but I just can’t!”
“Oh yes you can. Please?”

“No, no. I just can’t!”
“I’m begging you.”

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl’s older sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair dishevelled, & in a sleepy voice, she says:
“Dad says to go ahead & have sex with him, or I can do it, or if need be, mum says she can come down herself & do it, but for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the bloody intercom!”


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:43 am 
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What do you call a French man in sandals?

Phillipe Flop.

Shockingly bad!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:44 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:46 am 
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https://twitter.com/i/status/1098959345834897408


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 11:48 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 11:22 am 
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In the bible belt of America, they believe you can pray away homosexuality.

Because the best thing a young boy who thinks he might be gay can do...

Is kneel down in front of a priest!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 12:19 pm 
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HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL:

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire brigade to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the
emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 10, 2019 12:40 pm 
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Sadly I lost my job making computer keyboards :( They said I didn't put enough Shifts in. I said can't I at least Enter one last time? They said what the F4? I said to settle my Tab with the canteen manager, Del. But they told me to go Home and not to Return. Ah well, I'll just look for Alt-ernative employment. Really I was happy to Escape, I had no Control over my Space. I won't be going there again unless I really F2.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:29 am 
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A porn film in reverse is all about a guy who vacuums spunk off a girl's face with his cock then breaks her washing machine and leaves.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:38 am 
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Location: Between the Badges
Melania Trump wrote:
...
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.


Yep, works every time!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 4:25 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 13, 2019 11:24 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!'


:mrgreen: :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2019 12:46 pm 
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At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.

I said "I didn't know that one but I would have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody or even Inca Roads"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 15, 2019 4:13 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Johnny was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John's and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said "Let's have da fingers and I'll see what I can do."
Johnny said, "I haven't got da fingers".
''What do you mean, you haven't got da fingers?' shrieked the doctor. Lord t'undrin Jaysis boyo it's 2018! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't you bring da fingers?"
Johnny says...'How da fock was I suppose to pick dem up??

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 16, 2019 9:37 pm 
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Last night I came home from work the wife said to me "the light-switch needs fixing in the hallway, the light won't come on, will you look at it?" I said "Do you see the word 'electrician' tattooed across my forehead?" She said "No." I said "Great. I'm going down the pub". I came back late from the pub to find the light in the hallway working. I didn't ask any questions and just went to bed.

Tonight I came home from work and the wife said to me "I bought this wooden bedside cabinet for my side of the bed. Will you put it together for me?" I said "Do you see the word 'carpenter' tattooed across my forehead?" She said "No." I said "Great. I'm going down the pub". I just came back from the pub and found the bedside cabinet put together at the side of the bed.

So this time as I was getting into bed I said "who assembled the bedside cabinet?" She said, "It was George, the young widower who lives five doors down. He also fixed the light-switch in the hallway, in case you were wondering." I said "That's kind. Did you pay him?" She said "Yep. I asked him what he wanted for payment, and he said that ever since his wife died last year, two things he's really missed are the stake-and-ale pies she used to bake for him, and being sucked off. He said he was happy to accept either as payment." I said "WTF??!! You're kidding?! You baked the guy a pie?!" She said "Do you see the word 'baker' tattooed across my forehead?"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 12:24 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 12:17 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
The US Postal Service created a stamp with a picture of President Trump, but the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes.
This enraged the President who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:
The stamp is in perfect order. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.
People are spitting on the wrong side.

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I love to spit on my Donald :smoke:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 17, 2019 1:06 pm 
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Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
A lot of us would like to too !
:smoke:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 21, 2019 9:45 pm 
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Lets make a collection :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:22 pm 
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What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 23, 2019 1:23 pm 
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Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother.


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