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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 1:00 pm 
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it goes with his fake hair :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 1:06 pm 
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Location: Québec country (let me dream...)
So only Melania is real ?
:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 1:15 pm 
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Mij wrote:
So only Melania is real ?
:mrgreen:


As long as you don't count my tits :mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 2:00 pm 
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"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.

.

.

.

It's called marriage.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 16, 2019 3:50 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2019 11:20 am 
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Statistics show that the majority of divorcing couples do it for religious reasons.

The wife thinks she is God and the husband disagrees…


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 17, 2019 11:20 am 
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What about the pirate who took his fat, overweight parrot to the vets to be put down.

That was a weight off his shoulder.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 20, 2019 12:01 pm 
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As a lawyer woke up in the hospital after surgery he asked, “Why are all the blinds drawn in here?”

The nurse answered, “There’s a fire across the street and we didn’t want you to think the operation had been a failure.”

.

Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 21, 2019 8:54 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 24, 2019 12:12 pm 
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A man says to the receptionist.

"When I donate blood, I do not extract it myself, a nurse does it for me."

The receptionist replies,

"Yes sir, but this is a sperm bank, and it doesn't work that way."


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2019 1:14 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Towards the end of a round of golf, RAY hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.
Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden ... POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life...as a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!’
Then POOF!... she was gone!
After RAY recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pussy willows.'
RAY shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred!'
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:16 pm 
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They say masturbation is better with a dead arm!

Apparently.... I ruined that funeral.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:16 pm 
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Dear Deidre, my boyfriend's a right dick!

He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex. I didn't believe him but after some persuasion; he talked me into it and I let him stick his big fat knob in to my tiny little arsehole. He shagged me up the bum really hard, then after a while, shot his muck deep in to my bowels!

He's just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again as he's still constipated.

What should I do?

Sharon of Essex...


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:18 pm 
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Her: You're always on your phone, how come you never pay attention to ME!

Him: Maybe because my phone is smart and actually reacts when I finger it, Karen!..


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:19 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:20 pm 
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Some unbelievable facts!

It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.

A human hair can hold 3 KGs.

The length of a man's erect penis is 3 x the length of his thumb.

The femur is as hard as concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's heart.

Women blink 2 x as much as men.

A woman has read this entire post...

A man is still looking at his thumb.... :P


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:40 pm 
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The three biggest tragedies in a man's life

~ LIFE SUCKS ~

~ JOB SUCKS ~

~ WIFE DOESN'T ~


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:42 pm 
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Sometimes I feel totally useless, that nothing I do in this life matters in the slightest - everything I do is completely pointless.

Then I remember the man who fits indicators to BMW’s…


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 01, 2019 1:50 pm 
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what is your favourite version of Cages 4'33" :mrgreen:

For me its the Yoko Ono variations.....................


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2019 1:51 am 
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At The Villages in Florida last week, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:

"I miss Chicago."

Someone broke the windows, stole the radio, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read: "Hope this helps”.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 02, 2019 4:06 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
just plain doug wrote:
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hahahahahaaaaa!

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hey punk where you goin' with no mask on your face.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2019 5:26 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a Colt 9mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the government about gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on. I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear. I still don't think I looked that bad! I just need to wear underwear more often.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2019 11:39 am 
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Dear Neighbour

Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Richard


NEIGHBOUR'S RESPONSE:

George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.



SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi George. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 05, 2019 11:41 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 06, 2019 12:36 pm 
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet…

“How can you be so sure?” she protested… “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman…

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£1,500!” she cried,“£1,500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £1,500.”


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