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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2018 12:09 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2018 5:23 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 4:04 am 
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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 5:21 am 
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Since I started packing my trash like this, my neighbours respect me. They say "Good Morning" with a smile, and keep the music volume real low.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 05, 2018 8:53 am 
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Location: Oregon
Q: What do you call a dead baby in the middle of the ocean with no arms or legs?

A: Fucked.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 6:57 am 
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^^^^^ Bob ^^^^^

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 06, 2018 4:25 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 12:00 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 7:46 pm 
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There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military.
We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the “Guts” to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the “Balls” to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 07, 2018 11:18 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2018 6:10 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 08, 2018 1:43 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 1:08 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 12, 2018 12:14 pm 
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She's single... She lives right across the street and I can see her place from my kitchen window!
I watched as she got home from work this evening. I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door!
I opened the door, she looked at me and said: "I just got home, and I have this strong urge to go dancing and drinking, and maybe fool around a little....you know, have some fun. Are you doing anything tonight?"
I quickly replied: "Nope, I'm free!"
"Great!" she said. "Can you look after my dog ?"

Being a senior citizen, really sucks!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:34 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 3:27 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 13, 2018 12:12 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:09 am 
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A Texas farmer was touring England. He happened to meet an English farmer and asked him, "What size farm do you have?"

The Englishman proudly announced, "Thirty-five acres!"

"Thirty-five acres?" the Texan scoffed. "Why, I can get in my truck at 8:00 AM and start driving and at noon, I am still on my farm. I can eat lunch and start driving again and at 5:00 PM I am still on my farm.

"Ah, yes," the Englishman nodded in understanding. "I had a truck like that once."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 14, 2018 1:28 pm 
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So, the American says to the Englishman, "You Brits are so stuck up, what with your lineage concerns, and not marrying below your "station". I'm part American, French, British, and even some German."
The Englishman replied, "That was awfully sporting of your mother, old chap!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:30 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2018 3:14 pm 
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Dear Mum,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and got worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue Jeeps. It was great. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Ted got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.
Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Ted gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the crash. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Ted said that with a bus that old, you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a super bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the bumpers. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the policeman stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Ted is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Horace how to drive on the mountain roads where there aren't any cops. All we ever see up there are huge logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Ted wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast (it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster), so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Ted isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dove into the lake and cut his arm, we all got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steve and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Ted said it was probably just food poisoning from the left-over chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?
I have to go now. We are going to town to post our letters and buy some more beer and ammo. Don't worry about anything. We are all fine and tonight it's my turn to sleep in the Scoutmaster's tent.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 15, 2018 5:04 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 16, 2018 12:36 am 
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This morning, my wife baked some synonym buns… just like the ones grammar used to make.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 12:09 am 
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Ouch!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Sep 17, 2018 9:15 am 
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "OK, OK. We were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.

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