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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 12:29 pm 
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Memory Lane

Three female friends were sitting in the kitchen doing what they enjoyed- drinking beer by the case.
One woman said, "I wonder if all this beer is affecting my memory. This afternoon I saw an open jay of mayonnaise on the counter and I couldn't remember if I had finished a sandwich and hadn't put the jar away, or if it was out because I was going to make a sandwich."

"I know what you mean," the second woman said. "Yesterday, I found myself in the middle of the stairs and couldn't remember if I was going up or down."

"Well, I've had as much as either of you," the third woman said, "and I've never had any memory problems. And I hope I never will."
With that, she reached over and quickly knocked on the wooden table three times. "Oh,"she exclaimed, "somebody's at the door. I'll get it!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 1:10 pm 
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We recently spent $2,500 on a young Black
Angus bull. We put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
Holy crap! The bull started to service the cows within two days.
All of my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my
neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!
I don't know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 20, 2018 10:28 pm 
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Bad jokes...right?

How about...

Secret Service
Responsible and Accountable Government
Honor among thieves
Blind Justice
Moral Imperative
Leading by Example
Justice For All
The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few....(yeah, I know)
Of The People, By The People, For the People (allegedly supposed to be valid still)
Truth in Advertising (LOL)
The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth...
Love thy neighbor as you love thyself...(woah...that's pushing it. Right?????)
Etc..................................................................................................................................

Ummmmmm....

Never mind...

Been an odd night. Forgive me.

Carry on...next.......


Dances...........(not funny motherfucker.)


Damn!!!!


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 12:55 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Dances joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring Dances in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send Dances away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. Dances clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," Dances says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 5:17 am 
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It looks like Trump IS actually making America great(er) again.
Just look at the progress made since the election:

1. Unprecedented levels of ongoing civic engagement.
2. Millions of Americans now know who their state and federal representatives are without having to google.
3. Millions of Americans are exercising more. They're holding signs and marching every week.
4. Alec Baldwin is great again. Everyone's forgotten he's kind of a jerk.
5. The Postal Service is enjoying the influx of cash from stamps purchased by millions of people for letter and postcard campaigns.
6. Likewise, the *SPAM* industry is enjoying record growth in sales of antidepressants.
7. Millions of Americans now know how to call their elected officials and know exactly what to say to be effective.
8. Footage of town hall meetings is now entertaining.
9. Tens of millions of people are now correctly spelling words like emoluments, narcissist, fascist, misogynist, holocaust, and cognitive dissonance.
10. Everyone knows more about the rise of Hitler than a year ago.
11. Everyone knows more about legislation, branches of power, and how checks and balances work.
12. Marginalized groups are experiencing a surge in white allies.
13. White people in record numbers have just learned that racism is not dead. (See #6)
14. White people in record numbers also finally understand that Obamacare IS the Affordable Care Act.
15. Stephen Colbert's "Late Night" finally gained the elusive #1 spot in late night talk shows, and Seth Meyers is finding his footing as today's Jon Stewart.
16. "Mike Pence" has donated millions of dollars to Planned Parenthood since Nov. 9th.
17. Melissa FREAKING McCarthy.
18. Travel ban protesters put $24 million into ACLU coffers in just 48 hours, enabling the ACLU to hire 200 more attorneys. Lawyers are now heroes.
19. As people seek veracity in their news sources, respected news outlets are happily reporting a substantial increase in subscriptions, a boon to a struggling industry vital to our democracy.
20. Live-streaming court cases and congressional sessions are now as popular as the Kardashians (if not more popular).
21. Massive cleanup of Facebook friend lists.
22. People are reading classic literature again. Sales of George Orwell's "1984" increased by 10,000% after the inauguration. (Yes, that is true. 10,000%. Ninth-grade Lit teachers all over the country are now rock stars.)
23. More than ever before, Americans are aware that education is important--like, super important.
24. Now, more than at any time in history, everyone believes that anyone can be President. Seriously: anyone.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jun 21, 2018 6:38 am 
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Gray_Ghost wrote:
Dances joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.
After the first seven years, the elders bring Dances in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send Dances away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. Dances clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.
Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," Dances says.
"That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."


LOL.

Nice integration.

Shoulda quit while I was ahead.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 22, 2018 7:07 pm 
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Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2018 12:37 am 
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Just before the big meeting in Singapore Kim Jong-un decided to send Donald
Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the
game.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded
message:

370HSSV-0773H

Trump was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his aides, who had no clue either,
so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to
the CIA.
With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps for help.
Within a few seconds the Marine Corps cabled back with this reply,
"Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2018 1:55 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2018 11:53 am 
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This little old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor I have this problem with passing gas, but it really doesn't
bother me too much. It never smells and it's always silent.
As a matter of fact I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been
here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because it
doesn't smell and it's silent".
The doctor says "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what
you gave me, but now my passing gas... although still silent, it stinks
terribly."
"Good", the doctor said, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, we'll
start to work on your hearing.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 23, 2018 6:50 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 24, 2018 12:24 am 
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Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any *SPAM*.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local *SPAM* and
announces to the *SPAM* that she wants a box of condoms.
The *SPAM*, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The *SPAM* fainted.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2018 3:18 am 
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Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Jun 25, 2018 5:56 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2018 1:25 am 
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A group of 40 year old buddies discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Doug's Place, because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Doug's Place, because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Doug's Place, because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and
again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at Doug's Place, because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and again they discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed that it would be a great idea to meet at Doug's Place, since they have never been there before.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 27, 2018 4:31 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 3:42 pm 
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As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 4:42 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 29, 2018 8:10 pm 
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A man had a party where all the rich people attend.
And the he had a pool with alligators. So he announced that anyone who will swim across this pool and come out alive will be granted three wishes.
But no one wanted to go for the challenge. All of a sudden, there was a big splash and a man was swimming like a hell and came out alive.
So the host asked, "What are your three wishes?"
The man replied, "Give me the shotgun and bulllets and show me the idiot that pushed me in ...."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2018 12:42 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2018 2:36 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2018 5:12 pm 
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Ethnic Dancing.

The first couple is from Venezuela
The second couple is from Afghanistan

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDQRalYJCOg

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2018 8:27 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 01, 2018 4:50 am 
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My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year.
So we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me.
It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very
tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.
It had to be deliberate.
She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.
She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me.
She couldn't overcome them anymore.
She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.
She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".
Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom," she said,
"If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me!"
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
I stood there for a moment.
Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my fiancée’s entire family was standing outside,
all clapping and cheering!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me.
He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family my son.'
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 12:54 am 
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