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Chuck Norris isn't that powerful; there's no way that he could teleport next to me right now a smash my face against my keybojehrhhfhcyeuqjnj73772/isi8wiwjj..e ,uj,ksjwp';nsj

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Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

NRA News Story in Support of Guns

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small Beretta Pistol

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with
a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

“While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in ‘The Villages’ with
my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we
were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water
and began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her
nest because she was extremely aggressive.”
“If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!”
“Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him
easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved
in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was a bonus!”

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.....

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Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

A farmer comes home on his son's birthday, and says son I didn't have the money to buy much for your birthday, but i was able to buy you a duck. The boy takes the duck and tells his father that he is going to walk the duck. he walks down the road and sees the neighbors daughter sunbathing naked. She flags him down and says I will give you a piece of my pussy for your duck, and after thinking about it the boy goes through with it and fucks the girl and gives her the duck. the boy and girl sit around talking when the boy gets quiet. the girl asks what's wrong and he tells her he misses his duck. she tells him that's allright if you fuck me again you can have the duck back. so he fucks her again and walks down the road with his duck. about that time, the duck flies out of his arms and into the grill of an oncoming pickup. The driver gets out of the truck, apologizes for killing the duck and gives the boy 20 dollars. The boy takes the money and runs home, where his dad asks him how his day went. The boy says, "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and $20 dollars for a fucked up duck!"

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Chuck Norris can walk on water..,he's not God...the water is just afraid of getting him wet.



Once Chuck Norris and time had race.
Result: time is still running.

_________________
Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever. Then, we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Shumer and Nancy Pelosi?"
"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color."
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"
"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!"

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

There was a man named George driving in his car in the middle of the night, on a highway.

He drives until he sees a stop sign, and slows down, but keeps going.

Officer Dibble sees this and pulls George over.

George: Is there a problem officer?

Officer Dibble: Yeah. You just drove past a stop sign.

George: I slowed down, now if I will be on my way-

Officer Dibble pulls George out of his car and begins beating him with his nightstick.

Officer Dibble: Would you like me to slow down, or stop?!

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Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

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Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

People are going out on dates now to coffee bars.
This is the worst idea.
Four cappuccinos later, your date doesn't look any better.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A female police officer pulls over a drunk driver

Officer: "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law."

Driver: "Tits"

_________________
Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

_________________
Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "My what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that size"

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South of the Border

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his verandah patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day mate, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.' :rolleyes:

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief) :shock::shock:

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded) ?

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic):oops::oops::oops: 'The sheep's a fucking liar……':evil::evil::evil:

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South of the Border

A couple were celebrating their 9th wedding anniversary one night, & decided to continue in the bedroom. But before they started, the wife said, honey what did you think when you first saw me naked? The man replied I wanted to fuck your brains out & suck your tits dry.The wife then said what do you think now when you see me naked? He replied, it looks like I did a pretty good Job!!

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South of the Border

A blonde was admitted to hospital today after having phone sex. Doctors managed to remove 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and one Samsung, but no Siemen was found !

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South of the Border

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

In Canada we have been blessed with a national police force, the famous Royal Canadian Mounted Police or "Mounties". Although most are good people, some are a bit arrogant and often the brunt of jokes leveled at the by other agencies.

Two Calgary City cops are killed in a gunfight and find themselves standing at the back of the line to see St. Peter. It gets pretty boring after a while and they decide to find out what's taking so long and stroll up the line. As they approach St. Peter, a scarlet clad Mountie on a beautiful stallion at the full gallop, rides past everyone and the pearly gates open up instantly to let him in.
The two Calgary Cops look at each other and then at St. Peter. One says, "hey buddy, what's with us waiting all day and that Mountie jumping the line?"
St. Peter looks up from his ledger and sighs. "He does this all the time."
The two cops shake their heads and mumble something unpleasant. At that moment the gates open up and the same, scarlet horseman gallops back out into the clouds.
Now the two city cops are really miffed and as their turn on the ledger looms the gates open up once more for the speeding horseman. At the big desk, St. Peter looks down at them and asks their names. "Never mind our names," says one cop,"Just who the heck is that damn Mountie?" St. Peter fixes them with a withering glare.
"That, gentlemen is GOD, He just thinks He's a Mountie."

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Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

_________________
Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and says, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

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Hey Punk, did you just ask Brad to find 11,780 Republican votes down the back of the sofa?

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)