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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Mar 15, 2018 1:23 am 
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SkbmwGCbapE

too soon?
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 3:41 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
relative to.....

A policeman stops a driver and says Congratulations you've won $500.00 for wearing a safety belt. What will you do with your winnings?

I don't know, probably pass the exam for a driving license the driver replied

Then his wife said Don't take any notice, he always talks like that when he's drunk.

Then the backseat passenger wakes up and says I told you that we wouldn't get far in a stolen car! Then a voice came from the trunk, have we crossed the border already?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 6:52 am 
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In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism. it's your count that votes.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 12:36 pm 
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When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory... I don't remember what I chose.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 1:36 pm 
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what's the difference between a dead baby and a watermelon?

one's fun to hit with a sledgehammer,
and the other one is a watermelon.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 3:44 pm 
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A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 4:00 pm 
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say what you want about pedophiles, but they do drive slower through school zones.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Mar 17, 2018 9:26 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 12:39 am 
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Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 5:49 am 
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A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said "Keep Off The Grass"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 6:44 am 
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how can you tell when an ethiopian is pregnant?

her tampon is half eaten.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 1:00 pm 
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There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 3:10 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.


There are three stages in a person's life: youth, middle-age, and "You look great!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2018 10:42 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
So, why did you get divorced Bobby?

Why did I get divorced? Well Tommy, let me tell you, last week was my birthday.
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids, and so did you Tommy.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch.
After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!"

while I was waiting, on the sofa.....naked.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 3:59 am 
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Why are the streets of Mexico covered in red dust?

They're having a dry period.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 4:06 am 
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If the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then lefties are the only ones in their right mind.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 7:19 am 
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lapsed maps wrote:
say what you want about pedophiles, but they do drive slower through school zones.


You know what's great about twenty-nine year olds?


There's twenty of'em.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 2:31 pm 
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A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night. My daughter walked into the living room and said, Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said, "Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohammed. We're going to work together on Trudeau's re-election Campaign."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 19, 2018 4:16 pm 
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A good one !
:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 1:31 am 
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what would it take to get a beatles reunion?

2 bullets.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 4:53 am 
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As I get older, I realize:

1. I talk to myself because I need expert advice
2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud
3. I don't need anger management, I need people to stop pissing me off
4. My people skills are just fine, It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work
5. The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it
6. When I was a child, I thought naptime was a punishment, now it's like a mini-vacation
7. The day the world runs out of Budweiser is just too terrible to think about
8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound
9. "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 7:23 am 
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A young boy came home from school and told his mother, "I had a big fight with my classmate. He called me a 'sissy."

The mother asked, "What did you do?"

The boy replied, "I hit him with my purse."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 9:33 am 
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I confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"

And that is the sad definition of "OLD".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 11:52 am 
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Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse approaches the first guy and says. "Congratulations! You're the father of twins!" "That's odd," the man answers. I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse then yells for the second man, "Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!" "That's weird," answers the second man "I work for the 3M company!"

A nurse then goes to the third man, "Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets." "That's strange," he answers. "I work for the Four Seasons hotel!"

The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong?" the others ask. "I work for 7-UP!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 20, 2018 12:38 pm 
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I know that joke with this variation:
-"My wife was reading Those Extraordinary Twins by Mark Twain during pregnancy, and shortly after she finished it, she gave birth to twins!"
-"Well my wife read The Three Musketeers when she was in the pudding club, and she had triplets!"
-"Uh-oh... My wife is reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves..."

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