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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 23, 2018 6:13 pm 
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"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
---Steve Martin

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 23, 2018 7:08 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
3 guys walk into a bar
The first guy says "I have got the smallest arm in? the world"
The second guy "I have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy "I have got the smallest d*ck in the world"

The 3 guys go to the Guinness World Records
The first guy comes back and says "I really do have? the smallest? arm in the world"
The second guy comes back and says "Amazing, I do have the smallest head in the world"
The third guy comes back angry " Who the F*CK is JUSTIN BEIBER?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 12:09 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:36 am 
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"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
---Elmo Phillips

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 1:43 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:27 pm 
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"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
---Oscar Wilde

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 2:33 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
---Oscar Wilde

:mrgreen:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 3:53 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 5:46 pm 
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At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...
“Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 24, 2018 7:31 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Q: What happens when you feed gun powder to a chicken?

A: An Egg-splosion



A husband tells his wife, "Since it is your birthday, remember that yellow Lamborghini that you really wanted?". The wife screams in joy and starts crying tears of joy.

Then the husband says, "Well I got you a toothbrush, the same colour".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 25, 2018 1:34 am 
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Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore .....
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 25, 2018 2:58 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
an oldie.....but a goodie.....

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits.

Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 25, 2018 12:49 pm 
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A man goes into Chapters bookstore and asks the young lady assistant,
"Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy..."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 6:10 am 
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Location: misanthropia
i went on a date with a dyslexic girl last night.
yeah, i'll never do that again.

she ended up cooking my sock.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 9:13 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
The Women's Instruction Book: Woman don't make fools of men; most men are do-it-yourself types. The best reason to divorce him is your health: you're sick of him. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home because he's probably lying about other things, too. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do. If you want a nice man, go for a bald one; they try harder. A man who can dress himself is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same; they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. A man with manners is one who gets out of the bathtub to pee. Whenever you meet a man whom you think might make a good husband, he probably already is. There are many words used to describe men: strong, caring, loving; they're wrong, but you could still use them. Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets. Men's brains are like the prison system: not enough cells per man.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 26, 2018 2:13 pm 
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I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong,
especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Mar 02, 2018 4:54 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Mar 04, 2018 9:52 pm 
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Location: The Thumb
I thought I saw and eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 1:03 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
An old physician, Doctor Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor Digger Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: 'Aaagh! -- This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back" (giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 3:09 pm 
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She was only a whiskey maker; but he loved her still :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Mar 05, 2018 5:03 pm 
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She was only a goaltender's daughter, but, she sure let a lot of rubber past her crease.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 12:20 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 5:20 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
A 71 year old man is having a drink in a bar.
Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can’t take his eyes off her.
After a short while the girl notices him staring, and approaches him. Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: “I’ll do anything you’d like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn’t matter how extreme or unusual it is, I’m game. I want $100, and there’s another condition”.
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is.
“You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman.
He then whips out his wallet and puts 10 $10 bills in her outstretched hand.
He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly:
“Paint my house.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Mar 06, 2018 11:07 am 
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Trip wrote:
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:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Mar 07, 2018 12:12 am 
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