Zappa.com

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ”Pint please, and one for the road.”

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’

He gave me a kite.

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.


A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named ‘Amal.’ The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan’. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ”But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”


When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

I just got a new car for my girlfriend. Good trade!

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I saw this guy chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ”He’s trying to pull a fast one”.

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

I rang up British Telecom, I said, ”I want to report a nuisance caller”, he said ”Not you again”.

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas and when that's gone I'll drink the red.

What did Beethoven say to John cage after 4'33"?

where is the tonic?

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

I'd better stop now

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says ”I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything”


Slept like a log last night…….. Woke up in the fireplace.


A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

I entered "painfully bad jokes" into Google Search.
This was the first thing in the list.

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You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A Buddhist ordered a pizza:

"How would you like it, sir?"
"Make me one with everything."

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The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ”Did you get my drift?”.


I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.


Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.

_________________
Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ”But why?” they asked, as they moved off. ”because,” he said ”I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

_________________
Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

I was in Walmart and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ”Are you two an item?”

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Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?

_________________
You're probably wondering why I'm here
(not that it makes a heck of a lot of a difference to ya)

Doctor, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.


I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.


Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

_________________
Hey Punk, where you goin' with those two votes in your hand?