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Fred Durst!

Get it!

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Take it away Don Pardo!

Uhhhh... no... Could you repeat that for me in one-word syllables?

Wait wait... did I type THAT? Was I sleepy?
I meant one-syllable words...

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Thanks

Here comes another one!
*starting browser to translation website*

A bear, a rabbit and a fox are walking in a forrest, they got a letter where in stands that they must join the army but they totally don't like it. They're thinking about how they don't have. The rabbit is first, he has a plan, he asks the bear and the fox to hack off his teeth, because a rabbit without teeth is useless in the army, the plan did succeed, the rabbit has not to join the army. Now it's the fox his turn, he has a quite similiar plan, he asks the bear and the rabbit to cut off his nails, because a fox without nails is useless in the army, the plan also did succeed, the fox has not to join the army. At last, it's the bear's turn, the bear asks the rabbit and the fox to hack his teeth off, cut his nails off, and to shave him, because a bear without teeth, nails and hair is very useless in the army. a little while later the bear returns from the inspection and the rabbit and the fox ask him: "Well did you have to join the army?"
Bear: "No, I was too fat."

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes.

She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Australian Local Area Network: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat

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Donald duck walks into a *SPAM* and asks for some lipbalm. The cashier asks "cash or cheque", and Donald says,"just put it on my bill."

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TB -

What do Dale Earnhardt Jr. and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.

I may have posted this before.

Did you hear about that guy who said George W. Bush was a pig?
He's now serving 21 years in prison... 1 year for the offence, and 20 years for blabbing state secrets.

Did you know Hitler could't drink Tequila?



He said It made Him Mean

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A Mountain is something, you don't want to fuck with

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TB -

A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.
"What was that for? He asks.
"That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Mary Ellen written on it," she replies.
"Don't be silly, " he says "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on".
His wife seemed satisfied at this and apologized.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around he asks, "What was that for?"

"Your fuckin' horse phoned!".

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"Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps."

What's white, lumpy, and extremely dangerous?
Shark infested mashed potatoes.

What kind of coat does a vampire wear in the rain?
A wet one.

What is blue, green, red, yellow, purple, orange, black, brown, and gray?
A box of crayons.

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TB -

Hahahahahaha!

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"Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps."

News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... one was caught watching tv... another playing football and the third one was caught reading this txt message

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?
- How do you breathe through that thing?

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TB -

Steve Irwin, just before his death was interviewed about his favorite T.v show. While Thunderbirds was his favorite, Stingray would always have a special place in his heart.

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

CNN News: Bush orders 15,000 FBI trained dogs to track down Osama. FBI awaiting further orders as one of the dogs is reading this

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TB -

Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

Q:What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
A:Magnets have a positive side!

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

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TB -

That's supposed to be piccolos!!


If you want tuba jokes, you need ones like:

Two tuba players walk past a bar.....hey, it could happen....


What's the range of a tuba?
30 feet if you have a strong arm.


How many tuba players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
5. 1 to hold the bulb, 4 to drink so much the room spins.


And of course, the old standard guitarist joke:

How do you make a guitarist stop playing?
Put sheet music in front of him.

And, non musician related, but still a personal favorite:

A pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel sticking out the fly of his pants. The bartender says to him, "Hey, buddy...you know you've got a steering wheel coming out of your pants..."
The pirate just sighs and says, "Arr...I know. It's drivin' me nuts."

Remember everyone, tomorrow is International Talk Like a Pirate Day!!!

http://www.talklikeapirate.com/

Why can't Barbie and Ken have babies?

Because Ken comes in a different box!

Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over? He was playing on the road again.

Where do books sleep?
Under their covers.

What did King Kong say when he saw the Statue of Liberty?
Are you my mother?

What did the girl say when the Statue of Liberty sneezed?
God bless America.

What did the cow say to the masked robber?
Moo.

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TB -

Whipped this up during a boring college today because I've started sleepwalking again...

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WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because, when they come, they're wild and wet.
But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

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Lesser-evilism is terrorism.

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Lesser-evilism is terrorism.