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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 4:43 pm 
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News Item:

An Emergency Call Center worker in Minneapolis has been fired much to the dismay of her colleagues, who are unhappy with her dismissal, as they all felt she gave the proper response they were trained for.
It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes I can finally meet Allah."
To which the Call Center employee replied, "Remain calm and stay on the line."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 11:05 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 08, 2017 10:55 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:18 pm 
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A nun went to see the Mother Superior, to complain about the bad language being used by the construction workers who were working on the convent grounds.
"They're all God's children." said the Mother Superior, "They just call a spade a spade."
"No, they don't." said the nun, "They call it a fucking shovel!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 6:50 pm 
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hey punk, where you going with that presidential pardon in your pocket? I, I don't recall.....


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 10:59 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:17 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 5:50 am 
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Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence
The fourth man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well...?"
She proudly replies, I have a daughter ...
SLIM and TALL
40 D BUST
24" WAIST
34" HIPS
When she walks into a room, people say ... 'JESUS!'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 13, 2017 11:35 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 12:01 am 
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The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another...
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.. 'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?' 'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache .. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 14, 2017 11:05 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 12:38 pm 
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A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of the University of Maine.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and,
Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist, spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus. Hallelujah!
The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 15, 2017 11:16 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 16, 2017 5:35 am 
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't
miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could
find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.
He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.
The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,
"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Aug 17, 2017 10:57 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 5:03 am 
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THE JEWISH MOTHER

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman -- as well as the first Jewish -- president, Susan Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door.
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?"
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York ."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York ;
kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States .
In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says,
"You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States ?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 4:12 pm 
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I poured ketchup in to both of my eyes.

I heard that Heinz sight was 20/20.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 18, 2017 11:03 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 5:38 am 
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AN ITALIAN MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch, and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 19, 2017 11:00 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 3:59 pm 
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AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I could hardly push the stroller back home.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 20, 2017 11:23 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 21, 2017 10:55 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 5:15 pm 
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In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked,"Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?
Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:49 pm 
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