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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 5:10 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 9:05 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 23, 2017 10:33 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 12:22 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 6:52 am 
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An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles, put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. A year and a half ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Nov 24, 2017 9:18 pm 
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^^^^^ Ouch! ^^^^^

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. – I gave him a glass of water.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 12:14 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 6:12 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2017 12:29 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Nov 26, 2017 2:41 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 12:21 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Nov 27, 2017 2:56 pm 
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with raised eyebrows and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
To that Paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 12:13 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 2:03 am 
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When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more..
He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.
When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.
He went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Nov 28, 2017 11:14 pm 
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Christ Christmas has come early this year.....


A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy whose been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Nov 29, 2017 7:11 am 
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During a lull between the speeches at the recent presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
"You know Rex, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"
"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realize that he just speaks the words…....he doesn't really understand what they mean."
"Oh, I know," Melania replied, "Neither does the parrot."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 30, 2017 1:13 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Nov 30, 2017 6:43 am 
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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mort-gage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job;
there's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And ...
I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mort-gage and no fuckin' bike.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Dec 01, 2017 4:53 pm 
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A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.", to which the wife responds,

"He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 12:15 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 1:54 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Dec 02, 2017 4:50 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.

"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."

"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.

"How do you figure?" asked John.

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Dec 03, 2017 10:23 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:27 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:24 am 
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A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair and she lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation
was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 560 yards and par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green ... and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted... and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh, my!” commiserated the Mother Superior.
“How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister. “While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister.
“And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“No, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
“You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?”

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