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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Apr 24, 2018 8:42 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, "Where did you get that turkey?"
The boy replied, "What turkey?"
The game warden said, "That turkey you're carrying under your arm."
The boy looks down and says, "Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!"
The game warden said, "Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I'm going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I'm gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I'll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I'll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?"
The little boy said, "I guess I'll just kiss his ass and let him go!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 12:47 am 
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Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:13 am 
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never treat a woman like an object.

it don't like that.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 1:25 pm 
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Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Apr 25, 2018 11:52 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A kid threw the butter out the window, he wanted to see a butterfly


What is a rabbit's favorite music?

Hip-hop.


Why was the computer tired when he got home?

Because he had a hard drive.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2018 12:31 am 
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The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Apr 26, 2018 3:33 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2018 12:41 am 
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It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Apr 27, 2018 12:38 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and sits down at the bar. The Bartender walks over and asks why the man has brought an alligator into the bar. The man replies, " I have an offer to make".
The bartender being curious says "ok, what's the offer?". The man stands up and says, " If everyone in the bar is willing to buy me one drink each, I will drop my pants, open the alligator's mouth and place my genitals in his mouth and then close his mouth. After one full minute, I will make the alligator open his mouth and remove my genitals...unscathed." After a few minutes, everyone agrees to buy him a drink. Sure enough, the man drops his pants, opens the alligator's mouth, places his genitals in it's mouth and then closes it. After one minute, the man hits the alligator over the head with a beer bottle, and the alligator opens his mouth... and as promised, the man's genitals are unscathed.
After about an hour, the man had drank his last free drink and the bartender asks if there is anything else the man would like. The man says, " I have another offer to make". The bartender thinks to himself, "This ought to be good" and tells the man to make his offer. The man stands up again and turns to the other patrons of the bar and says, " If there is anyone else in the room willing to try the same thing, I'll give them $1000", and places 10 $100 bills on the bar.
After a few minutes of talking amongst themselves, a small blonde girl, in the back of the room stands up and says, " Mister, I am willing to give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me with that beer bottle, when I'm done!".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 12:51 am 
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If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 1:42 am 
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you've got a point there.


just wear a hat and no one will notice.


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Apr 28, 2018 8:15 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
What's the difference between a jeweler and a jailer?

One sells watches and one watches cells.




What's brown and sticky?

A stick.




What does a clock do when it's hungry?

Goes back 4 seconds.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Apr 29, 2018 1:24 am 
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The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2018 3:24 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed May 02, 2018 11:35 am 
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 11:33 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a criminal?
Another criminal.



How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."



What's the difference between a Lawyer and a mosquito?
The Lawyer has a briefcase.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 12:15 pm 
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Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 04, 2018 3:31 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:01 am 
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God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:10 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 4:28 pm 
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When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


(I was called, for jury duty, this past summer. Got there at 8am. Waited, as they went through prospective jurors, until 3pm. At that point, I was called into the court room. I found they only needed 1 more juror. The judge looked at me, smiled, and asked if I knew of any reason I should be disqualified. "Well, I don't know if it makes a difference, but I live in the same apartment building as the accused." And, I was out of there!)

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 6:27 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
just plain doug wrote:
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


(I was called, for jury duty, this past summer. Got there at 8am. Waited, as they went through prospective jurors, until 3pm. At that point, I was called into the court room. I found they only needed 1 more juror. The judge looked at me, smiled, and asked if I knew of any reason I should be disqualified. "Well, I don't know if it makes a difference, but I live in the same apartment building as the accused." And, I was out of there!)


Over the years I've wasted many a day on the jury selection process, around 35 at last count, thanks to a well placed swastika and a couple of tear drops all drawn on my face with a biro I never get selected. 2011-12 I was called up three times over an eighteen Month period, I wrote a letter and got a five year exemption, it must almost be biro time again..... :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 05, 2018 7:38 pm 
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just plain doug wrote:
When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.


(I was called, for jury duty, this past summer. Got there at 8am. Waited, as they went through prospective jurors, until 3pm. At that point, I was called into the court room. I found they only needed 1 more juror. The judge looked at me, smiled, and asked if I knew of any reason I should be disqualified. "Well, I don't know if it makes a difference, but I live in the same apartment building as the accused." And, I was out of there!)


The last time I was called, I was sitting next to a guy who really wanted out, but his only legit excuse was childcare ("well sir, if you were able to arrange child care for today, then could arrange child care for a trial, should you be selected").....so he's sweating it out. On the basic questionnaire, they asked if you'd ever served as a juror before. If you answered yes, you were further questioned about it. Such was the case for an older gentleman in suspenders.

Court official: So sir, I see you say that you have served before. When was that?
Prospective Juror: I don't remember.
Court official: Was it a Civil or criminal case?
Prospective Juror: I don't remember.
Court official: What was the verdict?
Prospective Juror: I don't remember.
Court official: well, where was it?
Prospective Juror: I don't remember......I have trouble remembering things

guy next to me turns to me and sees, "ooooh, that's good".

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue May 15, 2018 9:06 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
A lawyer with ten children was having a terrible time finding a house to rent. Whenever he admitted that he had ten children, no one would rent to him. He didn't want to lie, but he needed a home for his large family. He had an idea. He took his wife and nine of their kids to the cemetery and told them to take a walk. He took their remaining child with him to see rental homes with the real estate agent. He loved one house and the price was right, but again the agent asked, "How many children do you have?" He truthfully answered, "Ten." The agent asked, "Where are the others?" The lawyer put on best courtroom sad face and replied, "They're in the cemetery, with their loving mother." He got the house.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 19, 2018 12:14 pm 
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" A SHORT LOVE STORY "

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,........... 'Ma'am,
I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!.................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. ..............'Get your own fuckin' blanket.'
After a moment of silence, ..he farted

The End

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