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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 03, 2018 1:50 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:32 am 
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Doctor, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home’. He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’. ‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.


I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.


Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2018 1:00 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 05, 2018 3:51 pm 
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other one off.


I tried water polo but my horse drowned.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 12:12 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 6:27 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 9:49 am 
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How do you know if you've died and gone to Hell? The banjos are in tune with the bagpipes!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 12:48 pm 
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Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ”Oi – get out! We don’t want your type in here”


I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.


When Susan’s boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ”I love the simple things in life, but I don’t want one of them for my husband”.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 3:45 pm 
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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name some quote origins.
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln.""That's right Susie, you can go home."
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King." "That's right Mary, you can go."
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy." "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
The teacher turns her back Johnny yells in frustration, "I wish those dumb bitches would keep their f*%$#@ mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around and she is livid and yells: " WHO SAID THAT?!" Johnny replies: "Harvey Weinstein". I'll see you tomorrow?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 5:03 pm 
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Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as *SPAM* Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.

I can''t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User


Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 12:16 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:39 am 
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"


"sorry Mrs Seymourrrrr"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 09, 2018 1:55 am 
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An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession in 1960.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.
So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors.
This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind.
I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?''

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 10:09 pm 
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back crack'n'sack, sounds like my ex chiropractor

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:41 am 
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth.. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, unfortunately, she just walked in."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 9:21 am 
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Man, I gotta get a new girlfriend.

There's this girl I've been seeing every night for the past 4 months, but when I went to see her last night, the blinds were closed!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 1:47 am 
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Is it strange how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how strange it is?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jan 12, 2018 12:35 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 12:28 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 2:08 am 
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Bonus Question:

Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of
their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in
Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So, which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jan 13, 2018 1:39 pm 
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Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 12:17 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 1:50 am 
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A woman from Vancouver - who was a tree hugging NDPer, an
anti-hunter, anti-pipeline environmentalist --purchased a piece of timberland near Squamish, BC . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in
the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land
so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top a spotted
owl attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor.
She told him she was an environmentalist, an NDPer and an
anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then asked
her to wait in the examining room and he would see if he
could help her. She waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Environment
Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I
could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area so close
to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you down.
You may wish to try Dr. Suzuki.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jan 14, 2018 2:50 am 
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Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”

Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”

Doctor: “Every two hours.”



In Spain, there is a tradition after a bullfight to serve the mayor the bull’s testicles.

One day after a bullfight, the mayor asks the waiter: “Funny, why are they so small today?”

The waiter: “Today, sir, the bull won.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jan 16, 2018 1:46 am 
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