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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 09, 2018 10:13 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 1:49 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess,
"Will you marry me?"
The Princess immediately said, "No!"
And the Prince lived happily ever after,
and
rode motorcycles
and
dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women,
and
hunted and fished
and
raced cars, and went to titty bars
and
dated ladies half his age
and
drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan,
and
never heard any bitching
and
never paid child support or alimony,
and
dated cheerleaders
and
kept his house and guns,
and
ate spam, potato chips and beans,
and
blew enormous farts,
and
never got cheated on while he was at work,
and
he had lots of dogs
and
all his friends and family thought
he was cool as hell,
and
he had tons of money in the bank,
and
left the toilet seat up.

The End.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:43 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
ROBOT FOR SALE

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:35 pm 
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
---Lynn Lavner

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 10, 2018 6:35 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Teacher: Who answers my next question, can go home.
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: Who just threw that?
Boy: Me and I’m going home now.



Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?"

When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"

The Teacher fainted.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:55 am 
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Location: Windsor,Ontario Canada
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 1:19 am 
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"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
---George Burns

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 6:53 am 
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Location: The Thumb
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick-boxing.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 11, 2018 10:02 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the
85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained.
"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Feb 12, 2018 1:30 am 
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"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
---Sharon Stone

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 1:03 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Feb 13, 2018 4:41 am 
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"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
---Tiger Woods

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 12:16 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Feb 14, 2018 5:58 am 
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"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
---Jack Nicholson

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 6:42 am 
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"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
---Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 7:47 am 
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just plain doug wrote:
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
---Jack Nicholson

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Oddly enough, until he was in his 30s, Nicholson was led to believe that his mother was his older sister. She gave birth to him while unmarried at the age of 18. The lie was fabricated to protect her from public scorn. Good way to fuck up a kid's psyche and cause 'mother' issues.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 1:35 pm 
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"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
---Robin Williams

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 3:04 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Feb 15, 2018 6:34 pm 
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Location: Over there! (last)
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.

One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,"Yum! I smell maple syrup!"

The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"

The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is MOLASSES!"


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 1:37 am 
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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
---Robert De Niro

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 16, 2018 10:46 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa..... naked.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 12:17 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 1:55 am 
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"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
---Dustin Hoffman

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Feb 18, 2018 12:50 pm 
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"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
---Joan Rivers

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Feb 23, 2018 5:16 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not?

Son: I don't feel so well.

Father: Where does it hurt?

Son: In school.

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