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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 12:27 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jul 04, 2018 11:07 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A man, who smelled like a distillery, flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled man turned to the priest and said, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading that the Pope does."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 12:43 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 19, 2018 5:08 am 
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The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer
so a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit at his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is
over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying
after a long painful illness, and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The then stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving
her penniless with a *SPAM* and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely non-plussed, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And lastly the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 2:42 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 5:30 pm 
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Gray_Ghost wrote:
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.


Did you think it would be funnier this time than on the previous page? :)


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:13 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
calvin2hikers wrote:
Gray_Ghost wrote:
It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.


Did you think it would be funnier this time than on the previous page? :)


busted!

I thought it seemed familiar, to be fair it was almost a Month ago......maybe my memory is going :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jul 21, 2018 11:19 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:25 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jul 22, 2018 12:47 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
A man didn't come home 1 night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friends house. The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. 8 of them confirmed that he had slept over and 2 said he was still there.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 8:53 am 
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Posts: 583
Location: Providence, Rhode Island
Yesterday I noticed my neighbors pet rabbit in my German shepherds mouth, I took the rabbit out and it was dead. I freaked out, and didn't know what to do, so then I brought the rabbit inside, gave it a bath and shampooed its fur. Then in dark of the night I snuck it back into the cage at my neighbors house, in hopes that they think it died of natural causes.

Couple of days later I casually ask my neighbor how their rabbit is doing. They reply our rabbit died, but the weird thing is someone dug him up out of the ground gave him a bath and put him back in the cage.....there's some weird sick people out there...watch out.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 11:53 am 
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I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy plus).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'
She asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then she asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?'
'I said, 'Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
She asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.........
She looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a shit ?'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Jul 26, 2018 5:22 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 6:57 am 
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Location: Stroudsburg, Pennsylvania
A mushroom walks into a bar.
everyone starts to stare at him.
he says don't worry people I'm a funghi.....

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 1:05 pm 
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Location: The cosmos at large
LOL. Some mushrooms are indeed...

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 1:14 pm 
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Gray_Ghost wrote:
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."


Typical millennial ;D :smoke:


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Aug 03, 2018 3:09 pm 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"...

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Aug 04, 2018 4:19 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Aug 05, 2018 5:16 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 12:10 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 6:19 am 
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A cowboy, who had just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.
He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste
better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "I have two brothers. One is an Airborne Ranger, the other is a Navy Seal, both
serving overseas somewhere. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to
remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one
for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it at that.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, always drinking the same way, ordering three mugs and sipping
from each in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.
All the regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on
your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I just joined the
1st Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. It hasn't affected my brothers though.”

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 06, 2018 12:28 pm 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
What does a woman have in front that a cow has in the rear?










˙ʍ ɹǝʇʇǝן ǝɥʇ

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:21 am 
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I apologise in advance
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 11:01 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
Men Are Like... Floor tile: lay them right the first time and you can walk on them for a lifetime. Placemats: they only show up when there's food on the table. Mascara: they run at the first sign of emotion. Bike helmets: handy in an emergency, but otherwise just silly. Treasury bonds: because they take a long time to mature. Parking spots: the good ones are taken and the others are handicapped. Lava lamps: fun to look at, but not too bright. Bank accounts: without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest. High heels: they're easy to walk on, once you get the hang of it. Curling irons: always hot and always in your hair. Miniskirts: if you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs. Bananas: the older they get, the less firm they are. Coolers: load them with beer and you can take them anywhere. Road kill: they just lie around until they smell. Chocolate: sweet, smooth and they head right for your hips. Shoelaces: they have to enter a lot of holes before they tie the knot. Bagpipes: you get nothing out of them until you blow them first.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Aug 08, 2018 12:15 pm 
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In the beginning,

God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower
and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live
long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme
Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman
said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan
smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so
fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and
combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing,
buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts
following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own
platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof. God then
created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake" and said, "It is good." Satan
then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the
channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained
pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And
Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried
them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his
appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said,
"You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super-size them!" And Satan said,
"It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Satan created Cuts to the Health Care System.

--Amen

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