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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 5:25 pm 
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Recent sex kidnapping on the outskirts of an unnamed Middle East Islamic city.


http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x352ebb

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2018 7:48 am 
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Location: Bordeaux, France
Gray_Ghost wrote:
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a criminal?
Another criminal.



How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo?
Just say, "Fees."



What's the difference between a Lawyer and a mosquito?
The Lawyer has a briefcase.


What's the difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead raccoon on the road ?
Brake marks in front of the raccoon.

What do you call 1500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean ?
A start !

What do you call a doberman with lipstick ?
A woman lawyer.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2018 1:07 pm 
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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill....."
Adam said,"What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, "In the cave you will find a woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under His breath), "Geez....." And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is itnow?"
And Adam said.... "What's a headache?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2018 12:51 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2018 11:20 am 
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Prince Harry had his Bachelor Party in London and here is his "Quote of the Day" from that memorable event:
"It's really weird stuffing money into a stripper's G string when every bill has a photo of your grandmother printed on it."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat May 26, 2018 3:46 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
At big event this guy is carrying two plates of food from the buffet- one for his girl-friend and one for himself. As they enter the large hall to sit at a long table, everyone looks up and starts moving their chairs to make room for the couple to sit. At the same time the girl says, "Honey, give me the keys to the car, I need to get something."
He looks at the plates in his hands and says, "Well, I can't give them to you right now...but you can reach in my pocket and get them."
Everyone is looking as she reaches into his pants. She smiles bashfully as she looks around and said, "I feel a little funny."
He replies, "go a little deeper and you will feel nuts!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2018 10:32 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:39 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
WELCOME to 2018

� Our Phones - Wireless
� Cooking - Fireless
� Cars – Keyless and driverless
� Food - Fatless
� Tires –Tubeless
� Dress – Sleeveless
�Youth - Jobless
� Leaders - Shameless
� Relationships - Meaningless
� Attitudes - Careless
� Babies - Fatherless
� Feelings - Heartless
� Education - Valueless
� Children – Mannerless

We are - SPEECHLESS,
Government - is CLUELESS,
And our Politicians - are WORTHLESS!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 1:27 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen!
"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog."
"Tell me more" said the priest.
"One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest.
So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bed!


"And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 4:41 am 
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Location: EINDHOVEN
If you lose your job as a human cannonball, are you fired or not fired?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Jun 06, 2018 11:53 am 
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Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of the church listening to a fiery preacher.
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, the two ladies cried out in unison, "Amen, Brother!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "You preach it, Reverend!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and hollered, “RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS… AMEN!”
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet.
One turned to the other and said,
"He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Jun 08, 2018 10:07 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms. The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light. They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!" St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2018 12:46 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 83 and Miriam, age 82), living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go out for a stroll while discussing wedding plans and on passing a drugstore and they decide go in.
Jacob addresses the *SPAM* behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The *SPAM* answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married... Do you sell heart medication?"
*SPAM*: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
*SPAM*: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
*SPAM*: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?"
*SPAM*: "You bet!"
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?"
*SPAM*: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
*SPAM*: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "Everything for heartburn and indigestion?"
*SPAM*: "We sure do."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?"
*SPAM*: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "Adult diapers?"
*SPAM*: "Sure, how can I help you?
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2018 6:14 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Plook goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned, it's been thirty seven years four Months and three days since my last confession."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins Plook replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
Plook replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the "F-word".
The priest sighs takes a sip of whisky and asks Plook to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, "And you got upset over that and swore?"
Plook replied, "No, that wasn't why I swore.
On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive well left into the trees."
The priest said, "And that's when you swore."
Plook removed the priest's hand from his upper leg area and replied, a little testily because of the constant inappropriate touching and interruptions, "No, it wasn't, when I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball had got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green. However, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree."
The priest asked, "Is that when you said the 'F-word'?"
"No" Plook replied, "because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away." The priest let out a breath and queried, "Is that when you swore my son?"
"No" Plook replied, "because the eagle flew over the green and the dying squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole."
"Don't tell me" the priest screamed, "you missed the f...ing putt!!!"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2018 11:59 am 
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Location: Kitchener, Ontario, CANADA
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 09, 2018 5:41 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started Writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2018 12:21 am 
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Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had.....Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..
A half an hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them ??'

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2018 7:54 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well .........?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38" DD bust, 24" waist and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, everybody says, "Oh My God."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2018 10:29 pm 
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Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN:
The only question asked was:-
"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions
to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a complete failure because?

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Canada everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 10, 2018 11:29 pm 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead of slowing down, she picked up speed. When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her. She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her. Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a stop and ran into the lady's room.
Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out. The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Jun 16, 2018 5:01 am 
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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!
NAH, he replied, I'm just a shitty golfer.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 12:55 am 
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Location: >>==> Wellington New Zealand
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 3:49 am 
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Location: The cosmos at large
:mrgreen:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Jun 17, 2018 4:37 am 
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I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE."
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER."
HE SAID, "YES."

I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON."
BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK."
BILL GATES SAID, "OK."

I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO.
HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW."
HE SAID, "OK."

AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Jun 19, 2018 12:39 am 
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Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
"cause that's where you wash the vegetables.

What do you do after taking a bite out of a vegetable?
Put it back in the wheelchair.

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