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Ok Irealise I'm leaving myself wide open for a right telling off here but WTF.....

Apparentley it's going to 3 weeks to make a solid oak coffin for Gene Pitney......But only 24 hours from Balsa

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Dont know much about dancin'....

read this one in huster.

What was George Bush's postion on Roe vs. Wade?
He didnt care how they got out of New Orleans.

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Q. what do you do if a bird shite's in your car?

A. Throw her out

Q. Who's the biggest porn star in bollywood?

A. Ramitin Baldeep

This guy walks into the pet shop and says "do you have any pet flies mate"? The guy behind the counter says "what makes you ask that" and the customer replies "oh i seen one in the window"

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Patient has exploratory surgery for cancer and goes back to the office on Monday for results. In checking in he almost gets his mind off his misery checking out the georgous receptionist.

He gets in to the doctor and get the "I have good news and bad news for you, which do you want first?"

Patient replys, "Bad news.'

Doc says, 'It's malignant and advanced, we're going to have to put you on chemotherapy and radiation. We'll maybe keep you alive two months, three topps."

Patient says, "Ohhhh, man, well, what's the good news?"

Doc says, "Well when ya came in did ya see my new receptionist, the blonde with the big tits?"

Patient says, "Yeah..."

Doc says, "I'm fuckin' her(:"

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Lesser-evilism is war.

how do you fit two whales in a car?

one in the back and one in the front.

Now for a wonderful racist joke-

Why is there no Mexican olympics team? Because all the mexicans that can run or swim are in America!









(Please don't kill me)

Q. What do you cal a sheep with no legs?

A. A cloud

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what you call a dog with no legs?
anything the cunt wont come too you.

Hahaha(:

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Lesser-evilism is war.

What do you call a spider with no legs?

A currant.

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"Listen to that noise! It's like Barry White eating wasps."

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A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Where's the bartender?"

A guy goes to a doctor and the doc examines him and says, "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you've got Tom Jones disease. The guy says, "I've never heard of it, is it rare?" The doc says, "It's not unusual".

A guy calls his wife on the phone and says, "I was in an accident at work and cut off my finger". The wife screams, "OH MY GOD, THE WHOLE FINGER?!?!?"
The guy says, "No, the one next to it".

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I can't tell when you're telling the truth.
>I'm not.
How do I know anything you've said to me is...
>You don't.

this guy walks into the pub with a giraffe and orders two pints of lager, one for him and the other for the giraffe. He then orders another two pints and another two and another two until they're both pissed drunk and the giraffe passes out on the floor. The guy puts on his jacket and and is about to leave when the barman says "you can't leave that lyin' there mate" to which he replied "that's not a lion mate, it's a giraffe"

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Tonto and the Lone Ranger are riding along the desert one day. Suddenly, Tonto jumps off of his horse and puts he ear to the ground. The Lone Ranger says "What is it Tonto? Tonto says "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger says "Thats amazing, how do you know that?" Tonto says "Ear stuck to ground".

I had another joke about Jim Jones, but the punch line was too long.

did you hear about the irish shoplifter, he was found dead under woolworths

Q. what do you call a shite with one eye

A. A Keech

probably only scottish people will get that one as a keech is a scot's word for a shite and keek is what you do when you look with only one eye...you have a keek at something...i think most other countries use peek as in peekaboo

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TOP TEN PUNCHLINES TO SCOTTISH DIRTY JOKES

10. It took me a fortnight to get out all the thistles
9. I didn't know you could also get wool from them!
8. It's not a bagpipe, but don't stop playing
7. What made you think I was talking about golf?
6. I've heard of comin' through the rye - but this is ridiculous!
5. Of course she's served millions - she's a McDonald
4. Oh, so *you're* Wade Boggs
3. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster?
2. Who's burning argyles?
1. She's in the distillery making Johnnie Walker Red

A sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "We don't serve food here".

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I can't tell when you're telling the truth.
>I'm not.
How do I know anything you've said to me is...
>You don't.

Okay, now on to the jokes that are a lot of fun in mixed company.

Q: How do you make a 5-year-old cry twice?
A: Wipe the blood off your dick with his teddy bear.

Q: What's better than fucking your 8-year-old sister in the ass?
A: Turning her around and finding out it's your 6-year-old brother.

Weee! Hey, where did everybody go?

aaaaaahhhhhhhgggggggggtggg
you dirty bitch

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i'm totally spiritual

haha my dad used to tell a joke very simiilar to that...he told it as the lone ranger came across tonto lying down with one ear to the ground and he asked what was wrong and tonto said bufallo come here 1 hour ago and the lone ranger asked how he knew and tonto said they ran over my head haha

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What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

Hey Bernie, it could also be a fall.

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The way I see it Barry, this should be a very dynamite show.

Technically, yes. However, for it to be a fall it would have to lose it's wings mid-flight, an unlikely occurrence. A more probable scenario is that the fly would lose it's wings by some nasty little kid ripping them off (and yes, I was one once - believe it or not). So let's stick with "walk"? Humour me.

Heh heh!!!! Ramitin Baldeep

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Dont know much about dancin'....

I was just working with the theme, I didn't mean to imply your joke wasn't funny. Anyway, this is supposed to be a bad joke thread, but there's a significant number of funny ones above. If they make me laugh, I can't call them bad can I?

Having said that, a series of Australianisms are now streaming through my head. "It's all good", "Humour is the winner", etc.

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The way I see it Barry, this should be a very dynamite show.