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Due to the porting over of the topic from the old board, it's starting to have blank pages. So the ever popular Advice Corner has moved to this brand new spiffy thread.

A question was asked, from RUI, in the last thread. It was: What do you do with an unwanted bowl of cereal?

Well first, you would have to question your motivation in pouring said bowl of cereal. What was your meaning behind it? What caused you to do it? But as for the aftermath, when it's unwanted - take it to your local Humane Society, where if it's uneaten within two days, it's euthanized.

What would do for a 11 year old daschund who cronically wets her bed?

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"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

URGENT: Calvin, how do you sharpen a dull pair of poodle clippers?!?

Thanks!

You have to buy my patented Calvin Super Sharp Scissors Sharpening Strop, especially made for these delicate situations!

And believe it or not, it will cure your asthma too!!!!!

Only 69.95 boy, give it a try!

Dear Calvin,

I think my computer room is haunted. Late at night, when I'm online, I feel a presence in the room accompanied by a sickly perfume smell.

What should I do?

Pestered in Puxatawny

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"The mind has exactly the same power as the hands; not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.”
--Colin Wilson

Dear Perplexed:

Let me say up front: I tend to not believe in ghosts. But, in this case I would say:

Sell your house and all your belongings. Move to Eastern East Timor and burn all your clothes and roll in the dirt for 4 hours a day for 4 weeks. Maybe, MAYBE then this spirit will decide to leave. The sign is a hoagie delivered to you on the second day before a full moon.

Dear Calvin,

I think my cat and dog are having an affair. When one goes outside to take a leak, the other mysteriously disappears too. How do you feel about inter-species relationships?

Very truly yours,

AtLeastLetMeWatch

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Let's hear it again for the London Philharmonic Orchestra!

Well, I have nothing against interracial relationships. My first wife and I were an interracial couple. I was human, and hahahahahahaha, that's too funny.

But anyway - I wouldn't be too worried. Cats and dogs worry each other. Maybe the cat is hanging out somewhere else, shooting pool, swimming, baccarat, that kind of thing, relaxing while the dog is out, and vice-versa. If they are having a relationship, try to break it up gently. A hose works well.

Hej Calvin!

Hur ska man övertyga en människa att det faktiskt går att äta champinjoner på burk ?

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There WILL come a time when everybody in the world they will be free to sing and dance and love : )

How ska husband convince a mans that the really am going that eats mushroom on jar?

Time and patience. That's all it takes.

Thats just plain wrong!!!!!!!!!

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"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Dear Calvin,

I found a 22 foot long tapeworm in my stomach. What should I do?

RN

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Everytime we picked a booger we'd flip it on this one winduh. Every night we'd contribute, 2, 3, 4 boogers. We had to use a putty knife, man, to get them damn things off the winduh. There was some goober ones that weren't even hard...

Throw it away. They're obsolete right now. DVDworms are much better, and, if you can afford it, Blu-Rayworms and HD-DVDworms are the shiznit.

Thanks dude, knew I could count on you. Now, if only I could grab the head with these tongs.....

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Everytime we picked a booger we'd flip it on this one winduh. Every night we'd contribute, 2, 3, 4 boogers. We had to use a putty knife, man, to get them damn things off the winduh. There was some goober ones that weren't even hard...

barf out! gag yourself with a spoon!

I'll give you an F for that translation, Kalle.

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"bit of nostalgia for the old folks."

Dear Calvin,

I find myself addicted to advice columns in newspapers and on the internet, finding happiness and laughter in the misery of others.

Does this make me a bad person?

Concerned in Cucamonga

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"The mind has exactly the same power as the hands; not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.”
--Colin Wilson

What the Germans call Shedanfraud, or Sheudenfraude, or whatever (apparently I'm not good at translating shit), is what the internet was created for. You can sit behind a computer screen and make fun of people all day, and nobody will know how you really feel! Nobody knows that I'm only 13, having started on here when I was 9. It's fun to pretend!

Dear Cal,

I happen to know for a fact that Nooms is lying about the tapeworm. It's not 22 feet long as he states, but rather a mere 19 feet, 3 inches. In other words, not a big deal. I've read on the internet that 19 foot plus tapeworms are quite common and nothing to be alarmed about. He's lying because its his way of getting attention, of having to be at the center of everything. What can we do about this?

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I can't tell when you're telling the truth.
>I'm not.
How do I know anything you've said to me is...
>You don't.

How do you solve a problem like Noomies? How do you hold the sun and pin it down? A flibbertygibbet, a will-o-the-wisp, a clown? Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.

So yeah, that's a fucking hard question.

>sniff< Thanks man, I knew you'd understand...it's just that...he's so damn difficult sometimes...

And it's so totally awesome that you can come up with spontaneous poetry like that...you are truly blessed.

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I can't tell when you're telling the truth.
>I'm not.
How do I know anything you've said to me is...
>You don't.

Cal, How do you read? As in, what are the neccessary skills involved in truly reading?

Correct translation( i think?) : How could you convince a person that you CAN actually eat mushrooms from a jar ?

..but close calvin

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There WILL come a time when everybody in the world they will be free to sing and dance and love : )

Dear Calvin,

I would like to increase the energy efficiency of my home, but don't have the money to insulate. A friend told me that furry roadkill works really well, but I don't like the smell of dead skunk.

What would you suggest?

Drafty in Des Moines

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"The mind has exactly the same power as the hands; not merely to grasp the world, but to change it.”
--Colin Wilson