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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 09, 2017 5:57 am 
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hey punk, where you going with those trophy wives on your arm?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 13, 2017 12:29 am 
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hey punk, where you going with those trophy wives on your arm?


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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 12:58 pm 
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WE ARE IN TROUBLE!!!

The population of this country is 35 million.
17 Million are retired.
That leaves 17 million to do the work.

There are 8 million in school.
Which leaves 9 million to do the work.

Of this there are 5 million employed by the federal provincial and municipal Governments.
Leaving 4 million to do the work.

200,000 are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS.
Which leaves 3.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 3 million people who live on social benefits.
And that leaves 800,000 to do the work.

At any given time there are 18,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 782,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 82,998 people in prisons and 699,000 unemployed and wandering the streets
That leaves just two people to do the Work.
You and me.

And there You are,
Sitting on your ass,
At your computer, reading jokes

Nice. . . Real nice!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 15, 2017 6:44 pm 
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^^^^^ it's ok, my computers at work :lol: ^^^^^

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:18 am 
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Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 69th birthday yesterday. Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV! What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and V.iagra!" (aaaargh!)

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Last edited by just plain doug on Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 16, 2017 12:55 am 
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i get it! cuz old people eat spam!!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 22, 2017 4:55 pm 
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AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
The day the world runs out of beer is just too terrible to think about.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 12:16 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 12:27 am 
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Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Veronica or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water-cooler the next morning.
When Veronica came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin. I approached her and said, "Veronica, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
"Could you jack-off for now?" she replied. "I feel like shit. If you can wait, I'll do you at lunchtime.”

.... I had to let Jack go.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 1:24 am 
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^^^^^ hee hee hee ^^^^^
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:11 am 
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Joke I don't get:
An African safari entered a jungle clearing and found a large bird. The guide whispered, "This is the legendary foo bird, revered by our people." Suddenly, the foo bird took off, flew over the group and crapped all over them! When the safari bearers didn't seem to mind and trudged onward, the American asked why. The guide explained, "The foo bird is so holy, even its excrement is worn with pride." The American hated the stench, so he cleaned it off in a nearby stream. But as soon as it was gone, he died! The moral of the story? If the foo shits, wear it!

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 3:19 am 
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BBP wrote:
Joke I don't get:
An African safari entered a jungle clearing and found a large bird. The guide whispered, "This is the legendary foo bird, revered by our people." Suddenly, the foo bird took off, flew over the group and crapped all over them! When the safari bearers didn't seem to mind and trudged onward, the American asked why. The guide explained, "The foo bird is so holy, even its excrement is worn with pride." The American hated the stench, so he cleaned it off in a nearby stream. But as soon as it was gone, he died! The moral of the story? If the foo shits, wear it!


I think it's a pun BBP, have you heard the saying: If the shoe fits wear it?

it could be if the clog fits in Holland :wink:

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:07 am 
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We have a similar saying but it's with shoe:
wie de schoen past, trekke hem aan.

Also one of the few cases of Konjunktiv being used in Dutch.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 4:09 am 
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BBP wrote:
Joke I don't get:
An African safari entered a jungle clearing and found a large bird. The guide whispered, "This is the legendary foo bird, revered by our people." Suddenly, the foo bird took off, flew over the group and crapped all over them! When the safari bearers didn't seem to mind and trudged onward, the American asked why. The guide explained, "The foo bird is so holy, even its excrement is worn with pride." The American hated the stench, so he cleaned it off in a nearby stream. But as soon as it was gone, he died! The moral of the story? If the foo shits, wear it!


That's a Spoonerism.

Quote:
A spoonerism is an error in speech or deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched (see metathesis) between two words in a phrase.[1][2] These are named after the Oxford don and ordained minister William Archibald Spooner, who was famous for doing this.
An example is saying "The Lord is a shoving leopard" instead of "The Lord is a loving shepherd." While spoonerisms are commonly heard as slips of the tongue, they can also be used intentionally as a play on words.


Drink is the curse of the working class
Work is the curse of the drinking class
Class is the drink of the cursing work
Curse is the work of the classing drink

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 5:04 pm 
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Hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:51 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2017 12:04 am 
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A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.
After awhile, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Sun Sep 24, 2017 12:22 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Tue Sep 26, 2017 10:51 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 27, 2017 10:15 am 
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Today be my baby girl's 18th birthday.
I be so glad that this be my last child support payment! Month after month,
year after year, all those payments!
So, I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get
there; I say: "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma's
house and tell her this be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and
I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo momma's face."
So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear
what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face.
Baby girl came back and walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
Momma say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy!" ...and watch the 'spression on yo face.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Wed Sep 27, 2017 11:11 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Thu Sep 28, 2017 11:07 pm 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 1:19 am 
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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 3:51 am 
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What's the difference between incest and necrophilia? Incest is relatively boring; necrophilia is dead boring.

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 Post subject: Re: The Bad Joke Thread
PostPosted: Fri Sep 29, 2017 12:33 pm 
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I used to think I was just a regular person, but . . .
I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist.
I am a fiscal, and moral conservative, which by today's standards, makes me a fascist.
I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobic!
I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class, and an ally of big business.
I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel.
I am older than 60, which makes me a useless old person.
I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which makes me a reactionary.
I am proud of my heritage, and our inclusive Canadian culture, which makes me a xenophobe.
I value my safety, and that of my family, and I appreciate the police, and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist.
I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.
I believe in the defense, and protection of the homeland for, and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.
A sick old foreign woman once referred to people like me, and my friends, as a basket of deplorables.
Please help me come to terms with the new me . . . because I'm just no longer sure who I am anymore!
I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life,
and my thinking!
I just can't imagine or understand what's happened to me so quickly !
As if all this mess wasn't enough to deal with, I'm now afraid to enter any public restroom!

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